Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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