Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
