OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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