Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
