I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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