She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
