i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
