what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
