Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
