he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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