I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
