so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
