he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
