when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
