I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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