you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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