I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
