I CAN MOONWALK!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
