Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
