From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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