Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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