Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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