Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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