3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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