Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
