im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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