38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
