I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
