Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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