How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
