Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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