I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
