Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
