so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
