Texts From Last Night · aimsley's Favorites

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aimsley's Favorites Texts:

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men

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(480): View more from Arizona

he seriously made his penis a facebook.

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(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(408): View more from California

He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?

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(347): View more from New York

triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?

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(251): View more from Alabama

Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal

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(716): View more from New York

It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.

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(712): View more from Iowa

They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...

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(254): View more from Texas

I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.

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(574): View more from Indiana

im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven

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(630): View more from Illinois

Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(702): View more from Nevada

Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.

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(310): View more from California

only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

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(310): View more from California

I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

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(214): View more from Texas

he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas

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(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(504): View more from Louisiana

And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

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(541): View more from Oregon

just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(469): View more from Texas

Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(801): View more from Utah

Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

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(720): View more from Colorado

I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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(707): View more from California

then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

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(410): View more from Maryland

You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(727): View more from Florida

whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(319): View more from Iowa

She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(256): View more from Alabama

its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(816): View more from Missouri

... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

(314): View more from Missouri

I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(513): View more from Ohio

4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(281): View more from Texas

threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think you may want to look into that...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(239): View more from Florida

I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library

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(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....

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(513): View more from Ohio

Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(815): View more from Illinois

im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me

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(812): View more from Indiana

according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave

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(515): View more from Iowa

In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

How did people poop without Blackberrys?

(416): View more from Ontario

Motorola Razers?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Stone age, man.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

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(+79): View more from

Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(517): View more from Michigan

He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine

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(240): View more from Maryland

just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(705): View more from Ontario

The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.

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(707): View more from California

You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends

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(303): View more from Colorado

We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down

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(207): View more from Maine

she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(510): View more from California

Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.

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(360): View more from Washington

Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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(585): View more from New York

I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.

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(254): View more from Texas

oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

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(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

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(647): View more from Ontario

Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.

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(647): View more from Ontario

ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring

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(647): View more from Ontario

Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

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(406): View more from Montana

I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Have you learned any life lessons?

(406): View more from Montana

I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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(406): View more from Montana

When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.

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(406): View more from Montana

my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.

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(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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(406): View more from Montana

The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.

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(406): View more from Montana

we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(406): View more from Montana

Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.

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(406): View more from Montana

We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.

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(509): View more from Washington

Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

(406): View more from Montana

IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

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(406): View more from Montana

That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.

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(406): View more from Montana

i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(406): View more from Montana

We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(406): View more from Montana

What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(650): View more from California

he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Sharpest. Poop. Ever.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I love tequila.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.

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(647): View more from Ontario

It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM

(416): View more from Toronto

From?

(647): View more from Ontario

Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...

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(647): View more from Ontario

it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Only if they know about it too.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

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(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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(631): View more from New York

Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?

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(314): View more from Missouri

sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(206): View more from Washington

My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We named our party play list daddy issues

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(425): View more from Washington

I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.

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(219): View more from Indiana

where are my pants?

(1-219): View more from Indiana

you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

And why did you do that?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Tequila

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(760): View more from California

Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero

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(314): View more from Missouri

My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?

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(631): View more from New York

By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(518): View more from New York

The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?

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(407): View more from Florida

I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."

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(586): View more from Michigan

On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless

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(313): View more from Michigan

hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work

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(623): View more from Arizona

Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(415): View more from California

well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(407): View more from Florida

Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

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(719): View more from Colorado

3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(937): View more from Ohio

bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

Deal!

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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(702): View more from Nevada

jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.

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(619): View more from California

i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(718): View more from New York

We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.

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(850): View more from Florida

this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen

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(315): View more from New York

The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside

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(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

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(416): View more from Ontario

He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.

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(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(303): View more from Colorado

We took shots in honor of Shark Week.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?

(812): View more from Indiana

You're dead to me.

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(905): View more from Toronto

found the other keg... it's in the tree

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(716): View more from New York

a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz

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(217): View more from Illinois

The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(208): View more from Idaho

I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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(708): View more from Illinois

his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

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(312): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.

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(720): View more from Colorado

turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?

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(518): View more from New York

how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago

(404): View more from Georgia

so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?

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(404): View more from Georgia

he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(586): View more from Michigan

My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(330): View more from Ohio

mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(949): View more from California

She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.

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(206): View more from Washington

he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.

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(661): View more from California

May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(212): View more from New York

chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(253): View more from Washington

She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.

(919): View more from North Carolina

If you're joking I'm going to be sad

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(310): View more from California

it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.

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(650): View more from California

Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(563): View more from Iowa

you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(310): View more from California

He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides

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(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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(631): View more from New York

New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(503): View more from Oregon

when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(301): View more from Maryland

My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

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(801): View more from Utah

just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(514): View more from Quebec

take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(253): View more from Washington

Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(616): View more from Michigan

I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(917): View more from New York City

well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(812): View more from Indiana

Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless

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(631): View more from New York

i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(909): View more from California

College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(925): View more from California

2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(310): View more from California

Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(410): View more from Maryland

she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

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(334): View more from Alabama

The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose

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(828): View more from North Carolina

just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(415): View more from California

the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.

(812): View more from Indiana

I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight

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(716): View more from New York

People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(516): View more from New York

my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(647): View more from Ontario

Get out of your relationship and into my pants.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(303): View more from Colorado

oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".

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(602): View more from Arizona

Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.

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(702): View more from Nevada

think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.

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(817): View more from Texas

I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.

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(951): View more from California

I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Four minutes until I can fart!

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(614): View more from Ohio

Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?

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(620): View more from Kansas

my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

(785): View more from Kansas

you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.

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(216): View more from Ohio

dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so im guessing thats a no.....

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

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(858): View more from California

So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy

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(954): View more from Florida

Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

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(713): View more from Texas

PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering

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(520): View more from Arizona

he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it

(987): View more from

im ashamed your my cousin

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

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(292): View more from

i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone

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(813): View more from Florida

you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table

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(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

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(916): View more from California

awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment

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(703): View more from Virginia

is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?

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(619): View more from California

i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest

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(804): View more from Virginia

does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?

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(703): View more from Virginia

one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.

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(805): View more from California

saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken

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(303): View more from Colorado

My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.

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(281): View more from Texas

He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Did you send adult things?

(281): View more from Texas

Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year

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(281): View more from Texas

I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16

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(408): View more from California

How was your sisters wedding?

(1-408): View more from California

Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.

(408): View more from California

sisterhood ftl.

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(214): View more from Texas

I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work

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(313): View more from Michigan

theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.

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(714): View more from California

i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.

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(440): View more from Ohio

planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?

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(305): View more from Florida

I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(972): View more from Texas

So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.

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(917): View more from New York City

My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?

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(847): View more from Illinois

everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.

(224): View more from Illinois

it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.

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(805): View more from California

Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

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(903): View more from Texas

I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.

(903): View more from Texas

That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters

(501): View more from Arkansas

ok you need to stop NOW

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(303): View more from Colorado

idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How unfortunate for your Mom.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(475): View more from Connecticut

just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles

(1-475): View more from Connecticut

exact location. now.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I can feel you judging me through the phone.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up

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(972): View more from Texas

you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.

(214): View more from Texas

round 2?

(972): View more from Texas

EVER.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

(574): View more from Indiana

Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(206): View more from Washington

well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas

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(360): View more from Washington

did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.

(425): View more from Washington

some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.

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(905): View more from Ontario

heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain

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(502): View more from Kentucky

apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

basic color theory

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(805): View more from California

She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

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(940): View more from Texas

I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"

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(914): View more from New York

i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds

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(806): View more from Texas

My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.

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(630): View more from Illinois

wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?

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(619): View more from California

If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy

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(480): View more from Arizona

how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(858): View more from California

she takes plan B like it's going out of style

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(571): View more from Virginia

She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(906): View more from Michigan

The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just want to hang out with her.

(916): View more from California

You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"

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(317): View more from Indiana

One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

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(305): View more from Florida

I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant

(617): View more from Massachusetts

then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord

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(818): View more from California

My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...

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(515): View more from Iowa

so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(858): View more from California

sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?

(818): View more from California

No. He thinks you're slutty.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together

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(818): View more from California

I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed

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(503): View more from Oregon

My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.

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(760): View more from California

My girlfriend figured out who you are.

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(434): View more from Virginia

he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

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(631): View more from New York

Can you return condoms to CVS?

(516): View more from New York

Only if you return your pride as well.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.

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(716): View more from New York

you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.

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(510): View more from California

You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(813): View more from Florida

Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad

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(816): View more from Missouri

just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..

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(720): View more from Colorado

He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.

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(206): View more from Washington

So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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(206): View more from Washington

i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.

(425): View more from Washington

for sure. did you let him do it?

(206): View more from Washington

thats not the point.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off

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(660): View more from Missouri

Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...

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(716): View more from New York

i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control

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(440): View more from Ohio

well look at the bright side

(440): View more from Ohio

maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"

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(956): View more from Texas

If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?

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(631): View more from New York

Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.

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(561): View more from Florida

I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Oh.My.God.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society

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(248): View more from Michigan

I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.

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(619): View more from California

He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.

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(631): View more from New York

I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl

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(410): View more from Maryland

Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air

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(312): View more from Illinois

sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?

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(314): View more from Missouri

First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That burning is chlamydia

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(310): View more from California

my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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(954): View more from Florida

so i told him i still liked him. he laughed

(1-954): View more from Florida

well, your crazy. what did you expect?

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(407): View more from Florida

Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide

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(917): View more from New York City

i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.

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(209): View more from California

i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway

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(661): View more from California

how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Did you see that girl I got with last night?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..

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(718): View more from New York

I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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(510): View more from California

So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college

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(585): View more from New York

i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW

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(416): View more from Ontario

I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

(1-416): View more from Ontario

u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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(651): View more from Minnesota

What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.

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(979): View more from Texas

Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.

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(646): View more from New York

So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?

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(574): View more from Indiana

god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.

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(513): View more from Ohio

well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.

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(718): View more from New York

he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

(1-718): View more from New York

I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

(718): View more from New York

the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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(727): View more from Florida

I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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(252): View more from North Carolina

it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....

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(785): View more from Kansas

You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?

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(214): View more from Texas

Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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(302): View more from Delaware

is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.

(651): View more from Minnesota

That baby is bound to be under-loved.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.

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(516): View more from New York

You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.

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(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

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(847): View more from Illinois

He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night

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(602): View more from Arizona

So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.

(480): View more from Arizona

so you punched his junk, right?

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(425): View more from Washington

I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.

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(720): View more from Colorado

If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway

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(917): View more from New York City

I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.

(518): View more from New York

Huh?

(917): View more from New York City

I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

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(334): View more from Alabama

I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You guys are open that late?

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(847): View more from Illinois

my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.

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(914): View more from New York

My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

ill bring the camera dont start without me

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(518): View more from New York

At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with

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(440): View more from Ohio

you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.

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(757): View more from Virginia

ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.

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(631): View more from New York

we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time

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(309): View more from Illinois

"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.

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(906): View more from Michigan

rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.

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(845): View more from New York

I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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(661): View more from California

I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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(540): View more from Virginia

i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.

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(602): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...

(1-540): View more from Virginia

You at least unplugged it right?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.

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(716): View more from New York

I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.

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(773): View more from Illinois

it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"

(708): View more from Illinois

I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.

(773): View more from Illinois

don't worry... so do I

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(563): View more from Iowa

his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(989): View more from Michigan

i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum

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(409): View more from Texas

i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.

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(407): View more from Florida

my vagina has a 5:00 shadow

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.

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(530): View more from California

i'm lost and i look like a hooker

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(631): View more from New York

woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex

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(727): View more from Florida

singing on the bus should be illegal

(607): View more from New York

huh?

(727): View more from Florida

There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down

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(301): View more from Maryland

Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?

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(561): View more from Florida

i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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(904): View more from Florida

at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.

(503): View more from Oregon

I am not joking.

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(850): View more from Florida

So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.

(850): View more from Florida

I guess we all know what he was cookin.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober

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(804): View more from Virginia

god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

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(214): View more from Texas

I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.

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(216): View more from Ohio

There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air

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(607): View more from New York

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.

(906): View more from Michigan

so you're not coming in to work today?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(949): View more from California

okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?

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(434): View more from Virginia

Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?

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(913): View more from Kansas

your address is 607B right?

(785): View more from Kansas

yeah why?

(913): View more from Kansas

i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska

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(732): View more from New Jersey

so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg

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(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.

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(956): View more from Texas

She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick

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(314): View more from Missouri

Most awkward sex ever...

(314): View more from Missouri

And im texting you in the middle.

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it

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(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

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(208): View more from Idaho

you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck

(734): View more from Michigan

omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore

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(416): View more from Ontario

girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.

(605): View more from South Dakota

WTF??? Isn't he married??

(910): View more from North Carolina

Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.

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(530): View more from California

I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

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(585): View more from New York

Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?

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(917): View more from New York City

OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her

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(319): View more from Iowa

we need to stop having unprotected sex.

(1-319): View more from Iowa

ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.

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(301): View more from Maryland

She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

wrong asian. never thought that would happen.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

No. Take one for the team.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!

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(347): View more from New York

you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

video games are the ultimate cock blocker

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.

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(903): View more from Texas

....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?

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(248): View more from Michigan

i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.

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(913): View more from Kansas

No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.

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(646): View more from New York

My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...

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(301): View more from Maryland

I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...

(443): View more from Maryland

How'd that go?

(301): View more from Maryland

Hes on his way with a baseball bat...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Nah. I did too.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??

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(616): View more from Michigan

HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.

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(303): View more from Colorado

God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.

(720): View more from Colorado

And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina

(804): View more from Virginia

not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers

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(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.

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(817): View more from Texas

Dude. Creed is coming in september.

(1-817): View more from Texas

We're no longer friends.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick

(541): View more from Oregon

the rest of him looks just as crooked

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?

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(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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(904): View more from Florida

What are you doing tonight?

(847): View more from Illinois

Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

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(509): View more from Washington

I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar

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(302): View more from Delaware

i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

story of my life.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?

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(425): View more from Washington

Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick

(972): View more from Texas

please tell me you have proof of this

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(909): View more from California

I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.

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(915): View more from Texas

dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop

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(805): View more from California

all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar

(651): View more from Minnesota

If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations

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(773): View more from Illinois

Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night

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(831): View more from California

yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd

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(312): View more from Illinois

Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.

(773): View more from Illinois

...well that sucks.

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(702): View more from Nevada

you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

oh that explains alot.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww

(1-613): View more from Ontario

no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call

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(919): View more from North Carolina

his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.

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(760): View more from California

blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.

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(916): View more from California

We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.

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(646): View more from New York

maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low

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(609): View more from New Jersey

how was your night?

(212): View more from New York

well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?

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(+44): View more from England

Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.

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(409): View more from Texas

Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.

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(904): View more from Florida

I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.

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(231): View more from Michigan

so then she threw up in his asshole

(1-231): View more from Michigan

yep..that'll do it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw

(651): View more from Minnesota

by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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(727): View more from Florida

Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.

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(817): View more from Texas

Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes

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(214): View more from Texas

i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.

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(713): View more from Texas

never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is

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(949): View more from California

i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get

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(949): View more from California

mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....

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(817): View more from Texas

So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...

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(410): View more from Maryland

when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink

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(402): View more from Nebraska

New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area

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(925): View more from California

I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs

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(240): View more from Maryland

I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small

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(773): View more from Illinois

so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse

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(909): View more from California

how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

new low.... made out with someone while peeing

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(519): View more from Ontario

Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college

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(517): View more from Michigan

Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.

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(630): View more from Illinois

According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"

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(310): View more from California

i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son

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(281): View more from Texas

My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally

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(510): View more from California

my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

wow.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, it was that bad.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Acid is not a monday night drug

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(609): View more from New Jersey

If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says

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(612): View more from Minnesota

hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good

(651): View more from Minnesota

who is this?

(612): View more from Minnesota

jesse's little brother

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(214): View more from Texas

The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap

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(315): View more from New York

well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(917): View more from New York City

My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point

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(303): View more from Colorado

you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap

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(703): View more from Virginia

Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.

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(310): View more from California

The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.

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(979): View more from Texas

I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME

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(817): View more from Texas

Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you

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(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home

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(480): View more from Arizona

I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground

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(513): View more from Ohio

Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.

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(765): View more from Indiana

laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.

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(817): View more from Texas

I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not

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(770): View more from Georgia

Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?

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(585): View more from New York

i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.

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(650): View more from California

Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.

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(516): View more from New York

It was kind of weird

(857): View more from Massachusetts

What did your mom walk in?

(516): View more from New York

She flung her tampon across the room.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, you need to talk to your mom

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you

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(303): View more from Colorado

GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.

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(513): View more from Ohio

some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page

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(843): View more from South Carolina

70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.

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(740): View more from Ohio

needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again

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(415): View more from California

i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen

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(618): View more from Illinois

I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.

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(256): View more from Alabama

One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.

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(817): View more from Texas

Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7

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(425): View more from Washington

she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great

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(248): View more from Michigan

she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.

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(319): View more from Iowa

umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do

(1-319): View more from Iowa

put a dollar in it?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

this just has baby written all over it

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): View more from Nebraska

The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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(646): View more from New York

in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life

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(678): View more from Georgia

We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I bet i've been more pregnant than you.

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(720): View more from Colorado

What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore

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(703): View more from Virginia

He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.

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(408): View more from California

I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

only you. it could only happen to you.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate

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(727): View more from Florida

If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just took my morning after pill in the library

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(706): View more from Georgia

Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.

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(817): View more from Texas

you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag

(817): View more from Texas

could you get any more awkward?

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(408): View more from California

Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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(626): View more from California

she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?

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(516): View more from New York

so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.

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(309): View more from Illinois

dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry

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(916): View more from California

Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.

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(716): View more from New York

I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me

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(858): View more from California

I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.

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(361): View more from Texas

Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".

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(214): View more from Texas

New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who pooed in my magic bullet?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.

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(806): View more from Texas

I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.

(512): View more from Texas

Did it?

(806): View more from Texas

Not as such, no.

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?

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(224): View more from Illinois

The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.

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(310): View more from California

It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.

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(713): View more from Texas

if only i could text you this smell

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(845): View more from New York

I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.

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(914): View more from New York

Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.

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(563): View more from Iowa

My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.

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(212): View more from New York

so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before

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(217): View more from Illinois

So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy

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(314): View more from Missouri

What happened to the watermelon?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You fucked it.

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(310): View more from California

four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now

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(616): View more from Michigan

i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life

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(305): View more from Florida

Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

wtf you measured my hair?

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(954): View more from Florida

God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.

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(716): View more from New York

i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...

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(415): View more from California

Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.

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(850): View more from Florida

My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

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(210): View more from Texas

She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter

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(410): View more from Maryland

You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,

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(305): View more from Florida

Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

he had to chose between the booze and condoms

(774): View more from Massachusetts

what did he choose?

(857): View more from Massachusetts

the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?

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(817): View more from Texas

Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation

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(248): View more from Michigan

Her vagina should come with caution tape.

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(417): View more from Missouri

quadriplegic porn is always funny

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

no. no its not

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(909): View more from California

Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass

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(512): View more from Texas

its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

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(916): View more from California

My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.

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(310): View more from California

...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside

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(905): View more from Toronto

My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.

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(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

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(646): View more from New York

So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can

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(770): View more from Georgia

I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She said she didn't have time to shave "there"

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes

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(760): View more from California

Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?

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(631): View more from New York

Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...

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(540): View more from Virginia

woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me

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(469): View more from Texas

She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke

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(847): View more from Illinois

he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(650): View more from California

just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.

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(818): View more from California

Finally jerked of with a banana peel.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"

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(334): View more from Alabama

after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out

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(419): View more from Ohio

i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

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(678): View more from Georgia

Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can

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(847): View more from Illinois

she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom

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(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.

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(516): View more from New York

please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in

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(503): View more from Oregon

My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you

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(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

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(616): View more from Michigan

Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada

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(516): View more from New York

I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume

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(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.

(904): View more from Florida

You stay classy.

(352): View more from Florida

The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us

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(607): View more from New York

so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

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(585): View more from New York

My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me

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(561): View more from Florida

How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?

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(720): View more from Colorado

its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?

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(562): View more from California

I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.

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(727): View more from Florida

My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo

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(718): View more from New York

i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.

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(305): View more from Florida

I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..

(313): View more from Michigan

I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..

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(404): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My mom found a condom in my purse

(513): View more from Ohio

Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!

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(369): View more from California

I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton

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(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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(530): View more from California

shit pants at work. discarded underwear.

(1-530): View more from California

just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?

(530): View more from California

yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(

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(303): View more from Colorado

After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."

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(646): View more from New York

Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill

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(416): View more from Ontario

Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!

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(517): View more from Michigan

My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(516): View more from New York

she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?

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(801): View more from Utah

My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.

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(212): View more from New York

You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.

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(925): View more from California

My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive

(510): View more from California

wats the point then?

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(407): View more from Florida

so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.

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(256): View more from Alabama

The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.

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(628): View more from California

i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me

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(669): View more from California

sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

followup question: what if both somones were me?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.

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(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Whatever it was. it was pregnant.

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(707): View more from California

left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen

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(850): View more from Florida

Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?

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(443): View more from Maryland

The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.

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(949): View more from California

Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...

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(760): View more from California

i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.

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(716): View more from New York

You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.

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(940): View more from Texas

Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.

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(206): View more from Washington

Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.

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(585): View more from New York

WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET

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(314): View more from Missouri

eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth

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(330): View more from Ohio

I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night

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(415): View more from California

what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance

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(713): View more from Texas

You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

(954): View more from Florida

Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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(213): View more from California

she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.

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(770): View more from Georgia

should I fuck that poor girl

(1-770): View more from Georgia

no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?

Fav 9 1564 4968
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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.

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(951): View more from California

I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.

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(347): View more from New York

Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????

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(970): View more from Colorado

Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....

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(817): View more from Texas

well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

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(409): View more from Texas

Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.

Fav 25 1640 5018
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(925): View more from California

He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"

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(716): View more from New York

i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.

(651): View more from Minnesota

again?

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(567): View more from Ohio

i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style

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(845): View more from New York

Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!

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(816): View more from Missouri

YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!

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(616): View more from Michigan

Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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(313): View more from Michigan

hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?

(734): View more from Michigan

nope, you were tallying rejections at the party

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card

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(516): View more from New York

How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"

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(303): View more from Colorado

i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass

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(209): View more from California

just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?

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(480): View more from Arizona

i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

(847): View more from Illinois

And they lived happily ever after....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.

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(631): View more from New York

Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"

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(209): View more from California

ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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(630): View more from Illinois

So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one

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(516): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(517): View more from Michigan

just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.

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(209): View more from California

update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

(1-209): View more from California

the house was on fire??

(209): View more from California

shit I thought I told you.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.

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(912): View more from Georgia

then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again

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(216): View more from Ohio

i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.

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(315): View more from New York

Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.

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(719): View more from Colorado

so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked

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(503): View more from Oregon

i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.

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(845): View more from New York

I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring

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(305): View more from Florida

I don't even know why I got my vag waxed

(786): View more from Florida

Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.

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(330): View more from Ohio

We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.

(330): View more from Ohio

Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.

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(707): View more from California

They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.

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(516): View more from New York

then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping

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(240): View more from Maryland

Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.

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(707): View more from California

she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.

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(619): View more from California

She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?

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(716): View more from New York

u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.

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(810): View more from Michigan

you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.

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(949): View more from California

It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

(571): View more from Virginia

yup.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.

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(863): View more from Florida

you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...

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(509): View more from Washington

I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD

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(972): View more from Texas

I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"

(1-972): View more from Texas

More like "Chia Pet"

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(585): View more from New York

Even the bartender felt bad for me

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(917): View more from New York City

his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...

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(515): View more from Iowa

Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge

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(703): View more from Virginia

My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.

(216): View more from Ohio

He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

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(936): View more from Texas

Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....

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(303): View more from Colorado

We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol

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(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

they had a keg party to fund her abortion.

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(613): View more from Ontario

she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent

(613): View more from Ontario

I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"

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(817): View more from Texas

Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...

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(702): View more from Nevada

That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?

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(707): View more from California

Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

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(949): View more from California

After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(

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(614): View more from Ohio

My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Did we have sex?

(1-706): View more from Georgia

No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep

(732): View more from New Jersey

sorry. that wasn't for you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(785): View more from Kansas

Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.

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(904): View more from Florida

i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

(301): View more from Maryland

Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.

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(210): View more from Texas

remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.

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(813): View more from Florida

Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.

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(713): View more from Texas

Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How has he not realized you're pregnant?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Spanx.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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(818): View more from California

dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....

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(225): View more from Louisiana

This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.

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(714): View more from California

you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...

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(214): View more from Texas

so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina

(214): View more from Texas

i got awkward and finally asked him what he said

(214): View more from Texas

he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(480): View more from Arizona

Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore

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(630): View more from Illinois

i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(850): View more from Florida

The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion

(202): View more from Washington, DC

He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction

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(858): View more from California

Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom

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(706): View more from Georgia

so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess

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(310): View more from California

Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.

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(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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(301): View more from Maryland

There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself

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(760): View more from California

i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous

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(914): View more from New York

How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage

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(518): View more from New York

when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'

(1-518): View more from New York

i pity the fetus.

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(310): View more from California

Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(513): View more from Ohio

How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.

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(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

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(573): View more from Missouri

worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye

(319): View more from Iowa

Wasn't she moving abroad?

(419): View more from Ohio

Are you really going to debate this?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(480): View more from Arizona

With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

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(562): View more from California

How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.

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(979): View more from Texas

What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?

(773): View more from Illinois

Responsible fail?

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(954): View more from Florida

i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

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(410): View more from Maryland

you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.

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(845): View more from New York

so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(313): View more from Michigan

i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.

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(469): View more from Texas

Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick

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(317): View more from Indiana

im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.

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(513): View more from Ohio

WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Four. Poor grandma...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?

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(301): View more from Maryland

My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!

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(702): View more from Nevada

He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.

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(207): View more from Maine

you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment

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(240): View more from Maryland

At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka

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(760): View more from California

My pussy is not your playground.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.

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(951): View more from California

Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".

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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.

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(928): View more from Arizona

i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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(647): View more from Ontario

The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.

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(801): View more from Utah

let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.

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(206): View more from Washington

I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.

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(404): View more from Georgia

this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

(404): View more from Georgia

i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

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(786): View more from Florida

Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic

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(530): View more from California

You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

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(305): View more from Florida

We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.

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(513): View more from Ohio

woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her

(513): View more from Ohio

me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..

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(269): View more from Michigan

i think the cat found all the blow we lost...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

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(714): View more from California

thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.

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(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

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(913): View more from Kansas

No, drunk sperm still make babies.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(253): View more from Washington

girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.

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(408): View more from California

she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal

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(818): View more from California

I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.

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(703): View more from Virginia

tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.

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(586): View more from Michigan

it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(510): View more from California

he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?

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(207): View more from Maine

it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

saw you walking with that piece of shit

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

and that piece of shit just read that

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(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

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(989): View more from Michigan

you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out

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(206): View more from Washington

he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy

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(458): View more from Oregon

So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...

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(770): View more from Georgia

I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.

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(956): View more from Texas

Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(408): View more from California

i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(407): View more from Florida

Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.

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(631): View more from New York

Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

either way he was missing a nipple.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(407): View more from Florida

he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him

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(503): View more from Oregon

I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed

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(914): View more from New York

i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.

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(347): View more from New York

I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant

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(415): View more from California

He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.

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(305): View more from Florida

Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news

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(757): View more from Virginia

It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.

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(752): View more from California

What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?

(209): View more from California

I think the two go hand in hand.

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(281): View more from Texas

On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday

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(850): View more from Florida

when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(406): View more from Montana

he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.

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(702): View more from Nevada

omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.

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(631): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood

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(732): View more from New Jersey

nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.

(862): View more from New Jersey

yet...

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(631): View more from New York

After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch

(1-631): View more from New York

that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her

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(703): View more from Virginia

he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.

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(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(541): View more from Oregon

My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.

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(516): View more from New York

we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class

(914): View more from New York

isnt today saturday?

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(443): View more from Maryland

he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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(619): View more from California

You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything

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(802): View more from Vermont

and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?

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(323): View more from California

The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.

(1-323): View more from California

Did you put it in the freezer again?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...

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(914): View more from New York

i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away

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(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

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(646): View more from New York

My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down

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(313): View more from Michigan

Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me

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(607): View more from New York

How was dinner with ur grandparents?

(1-607): View more from New York

I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(360): View more from Washington

my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

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(818): View more from California

She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Worst stoner tragedy.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.

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(021): View more from

Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.

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(951): View more from California

now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.

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(909): View more from California

I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.

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(416): View more from Ontario

She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(949): View more from California

dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.

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(325): View more from Texas

Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.

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(914): View more from New York

omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch

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(410): View more from Maryland

a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog

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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

i am grossed the fuck out

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(303): View more from Colorado

I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.

(720): View more from Colorado

Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.

(303): View more from Colorado

But what if I pay for the gas?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just left the emergency room. condom extraction.

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

worst lay ever....

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

as long as you cum, there is no bad sex

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement

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(917): View more from New York City

you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.

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(831): View more from California

atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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(817): View more from Texas

Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.

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(972): View more from Texas

Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.

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(765): View more from Indiana

looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(512): View more from Texas

I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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