Texts From Last Night · pureninja's Favorites

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real

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(706): View more from Georgia

First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

Thats why they were on the balcony!

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(269): View more from Michigan

It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...

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(818): View more from California

Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.

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(914): View more from New York

It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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(281): View more from Texas

She really is something else.

(713): View more from Texas

Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.

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(772): View more from Florida

Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.

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(206): View more from Washington

So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(845): View more from New York

I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.

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(386): View more from Florida

Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.

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(941): View more from Florida

Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?

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(269): View more from Michigan

he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(760): View more from California

She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won

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(518): View more from New York

I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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(770): View more from Georgia

good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(404): View more from Georgia

im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.

(850): View more from Florida

This has already gotten way out of hand

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.

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(404): View more from Georgia

When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.

(706): View more from Georgia

I hope you did not try this.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(845): View more from New York

She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(407): View more from Florida

I think I have a pornographic memory.

(954): View more from Florida

Don't you mean photographic?

(407): View more from Florida

No.

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(713): View more from Texas

when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed

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(504): View more from Louisiana

there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories

(239): View more from Florida

He could rock you to sleep

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(240): View more from Maryland

She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

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(703): View more from Virginia

help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.

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(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

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(206): View more from Washington

I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(513): View more from Ohio

do you believe in love at first sight?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

awwwwww =)

(513): View more from Ohio

yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.

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(206): View more from Washington

Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.

(360): View more from Washington

You're getting good at this, you know that?

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(801): View more from Utah

he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?

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(314): View more from Missouri

If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(207): View more from Maine

We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(574): View more from Indiana

my professor just said "the power of the situation"

(216): View more from Ohio

drink

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(775): View more from Nevada

It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.

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(210): View more from Texas

I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

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(516): View more from New York

Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar

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(708): View more from Illinois

You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.

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(817): View more from Texas

Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(626): View more from California

I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there

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(219): View more from Indiana

about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): View more from Indiana

yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(802): View more from Vermont

Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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(713): View more from Texas

We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.

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(518): View more from New York

hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(410): View more from Maryland

The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(903): View more from Texas

Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

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(323): View more from California

Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.

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(210): View more from Texas

Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.

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(847): View more from Illinois

couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

(1-425): View more from Washington

No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place

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(315): View more from New York

I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?

(718): View more from New York

Keg backpack and a Bike

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(819): View more from Quebec

there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive

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(914): View more from New York

Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?

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(817): View more from Texas

not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?

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(406): View more from Montana

We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(949): View more from California

... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

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(407): View more from Florida

Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?

(912): View more from Georgia

Home?

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(256): View more from Alabama

We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.

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