Texts From Last Night · stuffedkoala's Favorites

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can't find our DD

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs

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(386): View more from Florida

well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes

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(970): View more from Colorado

He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?

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(514): View more from Quebec

i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick

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(517): View more from Michigan

1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!

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(631): View more from New York

We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.

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(315): View more from New York

She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.

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(619): View more from California

I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.

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(909): View more from California

Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

At least he has family values.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My dad just said "fuck circus"

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(254): View more from Texas

I have the starring role in a literal shit show.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?

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(650): View more from California

Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here

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(727): View more from Florida

Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven

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(216): View more from Ohio

It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

if i bang your brother are we still cool?

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(425): View more from Washington

How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?

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(407): View more from Florida

I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.

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(707): View more from California

I woke up with your vibrator in my face

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(716): View more from New York

YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!

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(310): View more from California

I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed

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(315): View more from New York

He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.

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(347): View more from New York

No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.

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(909): View more from California

Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself

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(513): View more from Ohio

And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

You were always a thinker

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(804): View more from Virginia

He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.

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(972): View more from Texas

His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.

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(813): View more from Florida

But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.

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(408): View more from California

Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".

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(479): View more from Arkansas

looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS

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(813): View more from Florida

We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore

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(480): View more from Arizona

Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.

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(716): View more from New York

I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken

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(646): View more from New York

you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf

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(801): View more from Utah

My dick looks like crazy bread

(480): View more from Arizona

pics are now mandatory

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(707): View more from California

I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job

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(618): View more from Illinois

Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now

(416): View more from Toronto

bring lube too

(647): View more from Ontario

i hate all of you

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(612): View more from Minnesota

last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers

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(914): View more from New York

Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..

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(210): View more from Texas

Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING

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(760): View more from California

Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.

(1-506): View more from New Brunswick

And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017

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(425): View more from Washington

Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.

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(631): View more from New York

She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING

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(386): View more from Florida

Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.

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(516): View more from New York

I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes

(1-516): View more from New York

I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do

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(503): View more from Oregon

at this point I think you're judging my taste in men

(971): View more from Oregon

I swear I'm not

(503): View more from Oregon

It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking

(404): View more from Georgia

Lol you talk like you have a choice

(770): View more from Georgia

I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I came so hard my ears popped.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom

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(850): View more from Florida

I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.

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(949): View more from California

The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.

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(310): View more from California

Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits

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(716): View more from New York

i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...

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(207): View more from Maine

Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.

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(315): View more from New York

I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.

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(212): View more from New York

Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.

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(315): View more from New York

A bitchslap is in order.

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(614): View more from Ohio

what are you getting to drink for new years?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice

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(618): View more from Illinois

How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?

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(815): View more from Illinois

He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.

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(805): View more from California

the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.

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(714): View more from California

it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in

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(408): View more from California

You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends

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(815): View more from Illinois

Wish me luck on my new penis adventure

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.

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(873): View more from

He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.

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(253): View more from Washington

Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room

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(305): View more from Florida

so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on

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(615): View more from Tennessee

No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.

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(660): View more from Missouri

sexting just seems like too much work right now.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments

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(905): View more from Ontario

Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?

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(904): View more from Florida

I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday

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(860): View more from Connecticut

its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You coming to give me head and eat tacos?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me

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(812): View more from Indiana

Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.

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(707): View more from California

So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): View more from California

I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero

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(708): View more from Illinois

She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.

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(207): View more from Maine

"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need more social interactions that don't involve sex

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(585): View more from New York

i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.

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(315): View more from New York

Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Just got a handjob in the hospital

(973): View more from New Jersey

A new low.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...

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(585): View more from New York

Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail

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(301): View more from Maryland

im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.

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(224): View more from Illinois

The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.

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(817): View more from Texas

The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.

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(954): View more from Florida

I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.

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(716): View more from New York

I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'

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(212): View more from New York

Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI

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(905): View more from Ontario

All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once

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(860): View more from Connecticut

THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION

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(631): View more from New York

Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after

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(386): View more from Florida

I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it

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(440): View more from Ohio

She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth

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(903): View more from Texas

Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.

(970): View more from Colorado

What a gentleman.

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(630): View more from Illinois

OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it

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(713): View more from Texas

MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I love you but I don't want to see you naked.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.

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(585): View more from New York

If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final

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(716): View more from New York

last night I used snow as a chaser

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job

Fav 6 598 922
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(952): View more from Minnesota

I love you. Go after that dick

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.

Fav 1 499 549
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(989): View more from Michigan

If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.

Fav 9 910 548
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(307): View more from Wyoming

Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it

Fav 2 490 712
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(719): View more from Colorado

Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture

(1-802): View more from Vermont

thank god there was never an after picture.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Both.

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(425): View more from Washington

And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.

Fav 1 737 385
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(303): View more from Colorado

He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him

Fav 5 427 282
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(804): View more from Virginia

My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.

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(415): View more from California

Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians

(1-415): View more from California

Does the penis have a genital wart?

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(914): View more from New York

Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair

Fav 1 2021 691
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(229): View more from Georgia

That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to align my fucking chakras

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(801): View more from Utah

Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.

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(516): View more from New York

You could cut the tension with my nipples.

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(208): View more from Idaho

And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?

(1-208): View more from Idaho

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

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(757): View more from Virginia

Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?

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(207): View more from Maine

if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!

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(240): View more from Maryland

million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.

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(716): View more from New York

My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.

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(231): View more from Michigan

JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good

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(845): View more from New York

Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings

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(518): View more from New York

woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!

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(775): View more from Nevada

finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday

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(419): View more from Ohio

While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....

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(513): View more from Ohio

She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..

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(310): View more from California

It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.

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(206): View more from Washington

We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang

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(315): View more from New York

Why did my mother make you get naked?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking

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(301): View more from Maryland

You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass

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(312): View more from Illinois

Did you wake up next to Karina?

(1-312): View more from Illinois

So that's her name

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper

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(573): View more from Missouri

My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.

Fav 0 51 9
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(217): View more from Illinois

Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty

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(260): View more from Indiana

They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?

Fav 0 42 15
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(317): View more from Indiana

He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.

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(315): View more from New York

OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?

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(517): View more from Michigan

are you drinking tonight?

(616): View more from Michigan

I have an exam tomorrow

(616): View more from Michigan

so yes.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.

Fav 0 42 15
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(816): View more from Missouri

Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral

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(585): View more from New York

Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis

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(925): View more from California

You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.

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(775): View more from Nevada

And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out

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(606): View more from Kentucky

hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.

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(716): View more from New York

Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.

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(254): View more from Texas

I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"

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(802): View more from Vermont

I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.

Fav 0 63 8
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(363): View more from

We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are my new hero

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(260): View more from Indiana

Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.

Fav 0 94 16
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(858): View more from California

TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.

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(416): View more from Toronto

The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.

Fav 2 78 9
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(203): View more from Connecticut

I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops

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(805): View more from California

For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.

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(360): View more from Washington

We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?

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(630): View more from Illinois

im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after

Fav 0 68 19
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(330): View more from Ohio

Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger

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(480): View more from Arizona

burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.

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(850): View more from Florida

You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor

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(661): View more from California

Did you pee in the oven last night??

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

that was on purpose.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck

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(907): View more from Alaska

I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?

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(360): View more from Washington

So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.

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(817): View more from Texas

My dog and I just went outside to pee together.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK

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(970): View more from Colorado

She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set

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(831): View more from California

Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.

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(845): View more from New York

Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.

(1-845): View more from New York

thanks for thinking of me.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow

Fav 0 47 6
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(650): View more from California

I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.

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(480): View more from Arizona

The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".

(602): View more from Arizona

It's gonna be a good night

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(434): View more from Virginia

After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles

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(313): View more from Michigan

I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.

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(702): View more from Nevada

On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.

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(207): View more from Maine

Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object

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(406): View more from Montana

That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!

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(734): View more from Michigan

Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice

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(816): View more from Missouri

Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!

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(775): View more from Nevada

All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.

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(602): View more from Arizona

As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her

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(845): View more from New York

He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks

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(804): View more from Virginia

he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..

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(516): View more from New York

if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.

Fav 0 45 20
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(847): View more from Illinois

Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced

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(530): View more from California

What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.

Fav 1 49 9
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(818): View more from California

I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.

(310): View more from California

I look forward to it

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(410): View more from Maryland

Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus

Fav 0 87 17
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(404): View more from Georgia

Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.

(678): View more from Georgia

What did I get you?

(404): View more from Georgia

A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.

(678): View more from Georgia

Sounds about right

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(916): View more from California

you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot

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(801): View more from Utah

What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.

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(858): View more from California

god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us

Fav 0 71 10
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

wow bdsm is so cute

Fav 0 47 15
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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.

Fav 0 77 12
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?

Fav 1 109 11
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(714): View more from California

I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.

Fav 1 49 14
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(662): View more from Mississippi

I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.

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(520): View more from Arizona

You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.

(520): View more from Arizona

Seriously, come on.

(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.

(520): View more from Arizona

I hate you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself

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(501): View more from Arkansas

the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since

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(619): View more from California

You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls

Fav 1 46 13
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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??

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(210): View more from Texas

I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old

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(631): View more from New York

I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃

Fav 0 34 17
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(551): View more from New Jersey

I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot

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(559): View more from California

Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.

Fav 0 46 10
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(61): View more from Australia

Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...

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(714): View more from California

Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".

Fav 2 105 19
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?

Fav 0 69 8
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(612): View more from Minnesota

how do you know everyone's mad at you?

(925): View more from California

I just woke up feeling shameful

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(330): View more from Ohio

I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore

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(937): View more from Ohio

She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.

Fav 0 46 11
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good

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(361): View more from Texas

I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.

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(613): View more from Ontario

But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome

Fav 0 62 33
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(517): View more from Michigan

Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?

Fav 0 52 13
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(785): View more from Kansas

You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...

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(361): View more from Texas

He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.

Fav 0 52 8
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

How ya feelin sunshine?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.

Fav 0 36 26
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(703): View more from Virginia

Dick is healthier for you than green beans

Fav 0 49 13
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(757): View more from Virginia

So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??

Fav 0 57 12
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(816): View more from Missouri

After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?

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(301): View more from Maryland

There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.

(914): View more from New York

It's 11 A.M.

(301): View more from Maryland

You know what, I think I will

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.

(253): View more from Washington

If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just one?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Yup. One sock.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting

Fav 0 51 8
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(541): View more from Oregon

By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late

Fav 0 68 19
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(804): View more from Virginia

I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Most formal booty call EVER

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The adults are the big ones right?

Fav 0 41 12
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles

Fav 0 36 11
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(415): View more from California

He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.

(1-415): View more from California

HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.

(248): View more from Michigan

What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?

(816): View more from Missouri

Honestly that's best case scenario.

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(817): View more from Texas

If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!

Fav 0 27 8
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(604): View more from British Columbia

I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.

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(425): View more from Washington

Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges

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(619): View more from California

He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.

(936): View more from Texas

This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion

Fav 0 77 13
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(269): View more from Michigan

It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt

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(765): View more from Indiana

Don't worry about me. I am infinite.

Fav 0 39 10
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(425): View more from Washington

My whole life is a joke

(360): View more from Washington

Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.

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(618): View more from Illinois

We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.

Fav 0 53 8
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(703): View more from Virginia

She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.

Fav 0 27 72
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense

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(614): View more from Ohio

I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.

Fav 0 53 6
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(954): View more from Florida

Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???

(1-954): View more from Florida

Yep, wanna bid?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?

(818): View more from California

I pity the fool.

(203): View more from Connecticut

Thanks Mr T.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.

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(302): View more from Delaware

wait i saw you last night?

(1-302): View more from Delaware

we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

She did what?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Who. The correct term is she did who.

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.

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(509): View more from Washington

Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.

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(585): View more from New York

Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Beard. Chest hair. Job.

(602): View more from Arizona

The holy trinity.

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(813): View more from Florida

Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.

Fav 0 69 15
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(323): View more from California

Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

This might be the worst thing you've ever done.

(281): View more from Texas

Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly

(864): View more from South Carolina

Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does

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(714): View more from California

So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.

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(251): View more from Alabama

What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?

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(330): View more from Ohio

FUCK WHALES

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(586): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should slow down tonight...

(248): View more from Michigan

KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START

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(314): View more from Missouri

He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.

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(914): View more from New York

You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.

(914): View more from New York

You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?

(1-914): View more from New York

Yes it does.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.

Fav 0 53 10
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(518): View more from New York

It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?

Fav 0 75 9
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(765): View more from Indiana

You're a disaster

(765): View more from Indiana

Wanna date?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n

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(314): View more from Missouri

He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting

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(407): View more from Florida

Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(212): View more from New York

I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.

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(772): View more from Florida

Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Hey! you should come over!

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"

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(315): View more from New York

so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.

(319): View more from Iowa

I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.

Fav 0 112 10
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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night

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(847): View more from Illinois

You wanna come over?

(312): View more from Illinois

Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.

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(949): View more from California

So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!

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(928): View more from Arizona

i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?

Fav 0 63 3
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage

Fav 0 119 8
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(330): View more from Ohio

Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.

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(850): View more from Florida

Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website

Fav 2 58 11
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(731): View more from Tennessee

Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.

Fav 0 74 11
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(651): View more from Minnesota

A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss

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(325): View more from Texas

Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness

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(519): View more from Ontario

You're going to love the baby's room.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day

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(505): View more from New Mexico

PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD

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(309): View more from Illinois

Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We will just distract him with tacos and porn.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.

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(914): View more from New York

The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now

Fav 0 89 17
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(410): View more from Maryland

Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar

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(559): View more from California

Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?

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(407): View more from Florida

You WHAT?!?!

(407): View more from Florida

Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.

(407): View more from Florida

I fucking love you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.

(815): View more from Illinois

It started going awry when I fell through a roof.

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(805): View more from California

Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth

(201): View more from New Jersey

but he had pizza... so i win

(973): View more from New Jersey

I give up.

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(256): View more from Alabama

As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.

Fav 0 48 20
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(815): View more from Illinois

so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants

Fav 0 54 10
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(630): View more from Illinois

How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?

Fav 0 63 21
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(217): View more from Illinois

I need to get some goddam control over my hormones

Fav 0 48 17
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(217): View more from Illinois

Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?

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(360): View more from Washington

I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...

Fav 0 70 16
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.

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(805): View more from California

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

(1-805): View more from California

So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week

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(818): View more from California

I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"

Fav 0 28 25
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(817): View more from Texas

I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.

Fav 1 70 12
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.

Fav 0 65 13
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(503): View more from Oregon

It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.

Fav 0 74 7
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(813): View more from Florida

You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.

(1-813): View more from Florida

There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.

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(386): View more from Florida

He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.

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(574): View more from Indiana

You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock

Fav 0 64 15
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(551): View more from New Jersey

He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.

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(512): View more from Texas

Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Then you guys just all showered together...?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.

Fav 0 39 3
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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?

Fav 0 77 9
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(740): View more from Ohio

I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.

(660): View more from Missouri

Touché sir

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude chill patience is a virtue.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?

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(585): View more from New York

Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.

Fav 0 66 34
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.

Fav 0 34 20
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(518): View more from New York

Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.

Fav 0 54 11
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(904): View more from Florida

I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?

Fav 0 29 28
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(518): View more from New York

he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Cover your peen. We're going out.

Fav 0 34 14
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I miss you.

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, I don't want to have sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.

(336): View more from North Carolina

So he's at the chuch?

(513): View more from Ohio

No, hooters.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.

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(509): View more from Washington

Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Also fuck yeah conspiracy

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner

Fav 0 62 8
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(734): View more from Michigan

Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.

Fav 0 56 10
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(908): View more from New Jersey

I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it

Fav 0 13 36
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(646): View more from New York

In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"

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(406): View more from Montana

At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.

Fav 0 40 13
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(305): View more from Florida

I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?

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(703): View more from Virginia

She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My vagina just clenched in fear

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(410): View more from Maryland

You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"

Fav 1 56 14
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(510): View more from California

Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.

Fav 0 60 5
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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done

Fav 0 18 25
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(604): View more from British Columbia

I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.

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(561): View more from Florida

I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.

Fav 1 51 10
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(865): View more from Tennessee

I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?

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(518): View more from New York

if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok

(1-518): View more from New York

totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr

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(630): View more from Illinois

Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?

Fav 0 82 13
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate my life now

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?

Fav 1 59 13
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(973): View more from New Jersey

I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.

Fav 1 59 8
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed

Fav 1 89 15
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(469): View more from Texas

It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.

Fav 0 20 51
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(303): View more from Colorado

No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.

Fav 0 51 5
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.

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(415): View more from California

He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.

Fav 0 55 4
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(402): View more from Nebraska

I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.

Fav 0 107 13
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(513): View more from Ohio

I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.

Fav 0 39 17
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(631): View more from New York

Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?

Fav 0 56 20
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(908): View more from New Jersey

she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak

(908): View more from New Jersey

said the guy with a pink sex swing...

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(513): View more from Ohio

As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.

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(585): View more from New York

They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.

Fav 1 60 4
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(203): View more from Connecticut

Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.

Fav 0 12 27
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied

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(567): View more from Ohio

she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live

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(352): View more from Florida

I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!

Fav 0 44 7
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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you

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(516): View more from New York

woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"

Fav 0 106 11
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(626): View more from California

my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.

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(404): View more from Georgia

not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?

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(831): View more from California

It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.

Fav 0 56 20
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(302): View more from Delaware

You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??

Fav 0 66 14
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(785): View more from Kansas

In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?

Fav 0 62 13
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(480): View more from Arizona

I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes

(360): View more from Washington

OMG haha What did he say?

(503): View more from Oregon

He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.

Fav 1 71 14
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(425): View more from Washington

P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.

Fav 0 51 15
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(217): View more from Illinois

Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.

Fav 0 74 23
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(801): View more from Utah

just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.

(801): View more from Utah

which is fantastic by the way.

Fav 0 86 9
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(954): View more from Florida

He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick

Fav 0 41 16
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(786): View more from Florida

You are a genius and a whore.

Fav 0 60 6
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(516): View more from New York

Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza

Fav 1 41 16
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.

Fav 0 38 4
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(301): View more from Maryland

walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.

Fav 0 36 9
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(521): View more from

You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now

Fav 0 33 23
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(250): View more from British Columbia

He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday

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(828): View more from North Carolina

On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity

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(716): View more from New York

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA

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(305): View more from Florida

listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.

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(941): View more from Florida

I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm drunk and he's still weird.

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(210): View more from Texas

Why are you drunk at the library?

(1-210): View more from Texas

Why not?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Can I get my morals surgically removed?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN

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(330): View more from Ohio

Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.

(330): View more from Ohio

Idk how it devolved into us fucking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident

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(925): View more from California

VIVE LA RESISTANCE

(510): View more from California

Oh god, what now?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful

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(301): View more from Maryland

He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are

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(613): View more from Ontario

Oh god it's open bar.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.

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(469): View more from Texas

Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.

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(850): View more from Florida

Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon

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(630): View more from Illinois

just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame

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(314): View more from Missouri

That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.

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(212): View more from New York

Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys

Fav 0 86 10
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(858): View more from California

death bed.

(661): View more from California

death patio

(858): View more from California

stfu you slept on the patio!?!

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(940): View more from Texas

Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.

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(541): View more from Oregon

my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do

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(985): View more from Louisiana

So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.

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(937): View more from Ohio

are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.

Fav 0 26 42
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(904): View more from Florida

I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.

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(631): View more from New York

Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am

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(816): View more from Missouri

Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that

Fav 2 74 15
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.

Fav 1 81 12
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(651): View more from Minnesota

Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.

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(503): View more from Oregon

dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off

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(305): View more from Florida

The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?

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(516): View more from New York

Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub

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(864): View more from South Carolina

im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake

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(516): View more from New York

and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese

(1-516): View more from New York

please tell me you didnt taste test that

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(310): View more from California

How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?

(323): View more from California

Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.

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(940): View more from Texas

I gave him a BJ in the shower

(940): View more from Texas

I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This can only be settled by a dance off.

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(917): View more from New York City

Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.

Fav 3 73 17
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(707): View more from California

I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.

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(562): View more from California

my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.

Fav 0 29 19
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?

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(410): View more from Maryland

dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity

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(360): View more from Washington

Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?

Fav 1 64 18
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(604): View more from British Columbia

Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.

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(269): View more from Michigan

The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.

Fav 1 81 9
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(360): View more from Washington

i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"

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(818): View more from California

He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.

Fav 0 19 56
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(818): View more from California

Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.

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(903): View more from Texas

There's a naked man in my car right now.

Fav 6 888 525
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(330): View more from Ohio

I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.

Fav 8 737 529
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(314): View more from Missouri

Stop watching porn on my work computer.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.

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(269): View more from Michigan

You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors

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(425): View more from Washington

I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage

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(907): View more from Alaska

I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.

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(425): View more from Washington

We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.

Fav 8 84 20
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(631): View more from New York

Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis

Fav 1 730 397
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(210): View more from Texas

Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.

Fav 0 48 25
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(850): View more from Florida

I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.

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(288): View more from

His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.

Fav 0 50 23
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do you feel about a threesome?

(817): View more from Texas

Will you be there?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm the one asking!

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis

Fav 0 42 15
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(646): View more from New York

WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO

Fav 0 7 33
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(330): View more from Ohio

He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I think everything's gonna be okay.

Fav 0 54 12
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(702): View more from Nevada

She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...

Fav 1 41 16
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(208): View more from Idaho

Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked

Fav 1 63 11
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(562): View more from California

I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.

Fav 0 32 15
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(815): View more from Illinois

Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?

Fav 1 46 23
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(519): View more from Ontario

Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?

Fav 0 13 43
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(714): View more from California

Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.

Fav 0 56 6
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(206): View more from Washington

She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!

Fav 0 77 12
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(937): View more from Ohio

I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.

Fav 1 31 40
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(268): View more from Antigua/Barbuda-Carib

One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend

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(613): View more from Ontario

Be there in 20. Want icecream?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna go on a picnic?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..

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(347): View more from New York

Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I think someone is dead in a car across the street

(973): View more from New Jersey

Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?

(410): View more from Maryland

are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am

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(469): View more from Texas

How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex

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(209): View more from California

You ruined the universe

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(925): View more from California

I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?

(804): View more from Virginia

Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?

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(954): View more from Florida

I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"

(918): View more from Oklahoma

.......Shattered dreams and tequila?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.

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(707): View more from California

I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"

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(312): View more from Illinois

How was your night?

(315): View more from New York

Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Why is there a horse in the backyard?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.

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(801): View more from Utah

I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??

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(315): View more from New York

As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"

(518): View more from New York

Wow... So was the sex good?

(315): View more from New York

Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember

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(408): View more from California

You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.

(904): View more from Florida

Did he?

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(707): View more from California

One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Something about Sunday night screams phone sex

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(209): View more from California

You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures

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(562): View more from California

So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.

(216): View more from Ohio

You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.

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(817): View more from Texas

I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor

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(939): View more from Puerto Rico

Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.

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(757): View more from Virginia

One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind

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(972): View more from Texas

I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.

(810): View more from Michigan

We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.

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(519): View more from Ontario

but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it

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(206): View more from Washington

Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"

(1-206): View more from Washington

I feel so bad for your roommate

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(816): View more from Missouri

I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.

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(305): View more from Florida

The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.

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(310): View more from California

she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving

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(260): View more from Indiana

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD

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(409): View more from Texas

He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married

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(619): View more from California

Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.

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(425): View more from Washington

Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs

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(469): View more from Texas

The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.

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(970): View more from Colorado

It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag

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(407): View more from Florida

He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation

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(248): View more from Michigan

it was an ACCIDENT

(734): View more from Michigan

it was a DICK

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(817): View more from Texas

Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.

(682): View more from Texas

This is why I keep you in my life.

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(845): View more from New York

dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.

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(928): View more from Arizona

What's the plan?

(1-928): View more from Arizona

Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.

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(613): View more from Ontario

she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins

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(613): View more from Ontario

Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.

(514): View more from Quebec

*Norwegian

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(817): View more from Texas

She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.

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(914): View more from New York

The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella

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(619): View more from California

i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's

(313): View more from Michigan

I hope that wasn't done on billed time

(248): View more from Michigan

I can guarantee that it was

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(815): View more from Illinois

It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.

(815): View more from Illinois

Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight

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(631): View more from New York

...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex

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(914): View more from New York

Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here

(1-914): View more from New York

Quit calling your parents your roomates

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You took nana to a bar?!

(1-856): View more from New Jersey

she suggested it

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.

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(914): View more from New York

Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?

(718): View more from New York

I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?

(914): View more from New York

Smarter than the average bear

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(605): View more from South Dakota

My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.

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(226): View more from Ontario

it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.

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(806): View more from Texas

Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'

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(509): View more from Washington

I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.

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(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

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(914): View more from New York

the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.

(503): View more from Oregon

Livin the dream

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I need a fucking roommate.

(1-219): View more from Indiana

You need a fucking babysitter.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Your logic is flawless...

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(937): View more from Ohio

If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.

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(660): View more from Missouri

When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know

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(830): View more from Texas

Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?

(858): View more from California

Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

....fighter of the Nightman?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!

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(559): View more from California

Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.

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(425): View more from Washington

I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis

(1-438): View more from Quebec

He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.

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(347): View more from New York

Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am

(347): View more from New York

A marvelous 12 hours

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the result of growing up in the '90's

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.

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(905): View more from Ontario

If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever

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(772): View more from Florida

Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You did. Then gave it to me.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...

(914): View more from New York

Who is this......

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza

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(443): View more from Maryland

I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance

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(352): View more from Florida

I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I'm eating pizza in the bathtub

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(410): View more from Maryland

She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit

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(620): View more from Kansas

Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron

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(949): View more from California

We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.

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(917): View more from New York City

Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.

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(343): View more from Ontario

Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?

(1-343): View more from Ontario

Lol, last year was UNREAL

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(512): View more from Texas

my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable

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(775): View more from Nevada

We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married

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(276): View more from Virginia

my poor anus

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.

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(416): View more from Toronto

what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.

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(305): View more from Florida

Also the fuck cup must be buried with me

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join

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(703): View more from Virginia

I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.

(503): View more from Oregon

OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Pillow talk?

(862): View more from New Jersey

can't do it. no eye contact either.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Where have you been all my life

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(973): View more from New Jersey

And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"

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(207): View more from Maine

I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service

(774): View more from Massachusetts

hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body

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(310): View more from California

No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?

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(833): View more from

And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!

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(469): View more from Texas

Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.

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(440): View more from Ohio

so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Those bitches did NOT have my back.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.

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(954): View more from Florida

This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend

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(817): View more from Texas

I despise everything about her. Except her tits.

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(210): View more from Texas

This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!

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(410): View more from Maryland

69'd by candlelight when the power went out.

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(443): View more from Maryland

And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.

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(518): View more from New York

I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul

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(728): View more from

and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'

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(303): View more from Colorado

She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.

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(636): View more from Missouri

We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey

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(845): View more from New York

Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me

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(630): View more from Illinois

if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive

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(954): View more from Florida

she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon

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(765): View more from Indiana

Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Why would you answer?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.

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(219): View more from Indiana

so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.

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(562): View more from California

I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.

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(206): View more from Washington

Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"

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(817): View more from Texas

I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.

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(231): View more from Michigan

She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.

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(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Where is Holly?

(647): View more from Ontario

Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down

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(519): View more from Ontario

He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.

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(216): View more from Ohio

My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(312): View more from Illinois

Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night

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(517): View more from Michigan

She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT

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(631): View more from New York

So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family

(1-631): View more from New York

I'm a family man but I have priorities

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.

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(845): View more from New York

I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise

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(440): View more from Ohio

dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.

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(510): View more from California

Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.

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(406): View more from Montana

We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?

(770): View more from Georgia

This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.

(678): View more from Georgia

Valid.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Anyways enough about genital fatigue...

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(913): View more from Kansas

He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert

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(563): View more from Iowa

how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker

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(913): View more from Kansas

Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one

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(604): View more from British Columbia

As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Atta girl.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.

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(682): View more from Texas

If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people

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(619): View more from California

Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He shit in the fireplace

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(519): View more from Ontario

I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.

(818): View more from California

Yes. To all of that. Yes.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.

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(845): View more from New York

It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....

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(+45): View more from Denmark

He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful

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(618): View more from Illinois

We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My vagina is very pro this idea

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(559): View more from California

I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.

(925): View more from California

Huzzah!

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(515): View more from Iowa

I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!

(1-787): View more from Puerto Rico

Yep

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Success! We fucked roommates!

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(360): View more from Washington

That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.

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(805): View more from California

I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.

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(727): View more from Florida

I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.

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(917): View more from New York City

She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.

(805): View more from California

So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.

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(913): View more from Kansas

What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old

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(210): View more from Texas

Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed

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(640): View more from

I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"

(640): View more from

Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

and how was that received?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels

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(281): View more from Texas

‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had all of the sex. All of it.

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(281): View more from Texas

We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!

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(518): View more from New York

Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?

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(334): View more from Alabama

Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.

(312): View more from Illinois

you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?

(773): View more from Illinois

That answers my next five questions

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(301): View more from Maryland

Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story

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(330): View more from Ohio

I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?

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(409): View more from Texas

I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.

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(607): View more from New York

Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."

(1-607): View more from New York

WTF? Are you mittens?

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(716): View more from New York

He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I know, im living my 7th grade dream

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(269): View more from Michigan

And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick

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(804): View more from Virginia

bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.

(804): View more from Virginia

god. marry me.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks

(504): View more from Louisiana

Specially the ones that look like Goldberg

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(409): View more from Texas

I deserve this hangover.

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(650): View more from California

Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?

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(760): View more from California

Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux

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(801): View more from Utah

I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.

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(602): View more from Arizona

He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME

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(760): View more from California

Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?

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(858): View more from California

It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.

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(214): View more from Texas

I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.

(817): View more from Texas

For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?

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(804): View more from Virginia

I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My bed smells like the plague

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever

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(305): View more from Florida

It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no

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(773): View more from Illinois

I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.

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(698): View more from

I think I just shit out all my problems.

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(817): View more from Texas

like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello

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(480): View more from Arizona

It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you

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(813): View more from Florida

He called out my ex's name during sex.

(727): View more from Florida

Alex is a pretty common unisex name.

(813): View more from Florida

It was the same Alex. I asked.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just don't do anything stupid

(1-541): View more from Oregon

i did a stupid sorry

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina

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(719): View more from Colorado

Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I broke a rule

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which One?!

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're officially the worst brother ever.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.

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(303): View more from Colorado

This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you mean still drunk

(203): View more from Connecticut

I've heard it both ways

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(516): View more from New York

its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.

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(510): View more from California

How are you and your magical vagina doing today?

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(815): View more from Illinois

My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?

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(540): View more from Virginia

we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!

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(305): View more from Florida

By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?

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(708): View more from Illinois

you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!

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(516): View more from New York

I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt

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(802): View more from Vermont

this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?

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(206): View more from Washington

why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.

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(623): View more from Arizona

We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.

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(416): View more from Toronto

His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.

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(510): View more from California

All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night

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(315): View more from New York

Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.

Fav 1 27 33
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(423): View more from Tennessee

he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.

Fav 2 23 60
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(954): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her

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(283): View more from Ohio

We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind

Fav 2 49 16
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(732): View more from New Jersey

He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Fav 3 15 61
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(407): View more from Florida

Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.

Fav 1 52 6
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after

Fav 1 59 11
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?

Fav 1 58 11
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(602): View more from Arizona

Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?

Fav 1 88 13
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(406): View more from Montana

I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.

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(352): View more from Florida

you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?

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(509): View more from Washington

Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....

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(607): View more from New York

Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?

(1-607): View more from New York

Yup I waved.

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(619): View more from California

its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me

Fav 2 41 22
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.

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(845): View more from New York

Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life

Fav 0 69 11
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.

Fav 1 51 19
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(740): View more from Ohio

Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I got my gum stuck on his balls.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head

Fav 1 98 13
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(586): View more from Michigan

not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.

Fav 1 83 9
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(845): View more from New York

Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.

Fav 0 710 1215
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn

Fav 1 23 73
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(210): View more from Texas

what is considered shitting yourself?

(1-210): View more from Texas

Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.

Fav 2 22 75
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(727): View more from Florida

hey u leave my anime porn out of this

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(269): View more from Michigan

We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash

Fav 3 1314 571
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(541): View more from Oregon

COCAINE IS GR8

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.

Fav 2 42 10
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(904): View more from Florida

I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.

Fav 2 874 456
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(831): View more from California

I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.

Fav 0 796 537
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(714): View more from California

i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...

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(971): View more from Oregon

Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.

Fav 2 58 7
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(612): View more from Minnesota

Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.

(443): View more from Maryland

Just wait till winter

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(630): View more from Illinois

Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.

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(360): View more from Washington

Your youporn search history says otherwise.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?

Fav 0 46 9
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(609): View more from New Jersey

A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are

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(207): View more from Maine

I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...

Fav 1 17 30
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(850): View more from Florida

Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer

Fav 1 73 12
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(419): View more from Ohio

I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals

Fav 0 26 27
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(613): View more from Ontario

wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck

(330): View more from Ohio

yes

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win

Fav 0 46 10
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(559): View more from California

This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.

Fav 1 6 35
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(269): View more from Michigan

First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.

Fav 2 18 43
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(416): View more from Toronto

He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!

Fav 1 47 6
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(231): View more from Michigan

I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.

Fav 3 100 14
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.

Fav 0 33 16
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish

Fav 0 25 44
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(805): View more from California

I need a pedicure

(1-805): View more from California

You need to go to planned parenthood

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(312): View more from Illinois

It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?

Fav 0 38 14
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(402): View more from Nebraska

Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.

Fav 2 59 11
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(360): View more from Washington

Hold on gotta plunge the sink

(425): View more from Washington

Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time

Fav 0 42 10
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(972): View more from Texas

Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence

Fav 0 57 4
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(559): View more from California

He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess

(852): View more from

keeper.

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(480): View more from Arizona

After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.

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(347): View more from New York

If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time

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(850): View more from Florida

I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.

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(917): View more from New York City

Still fucking the ballerina?

(1-917): View more from New York City

She can put her legs behind her head.

(917): View more from New York City

Enough said

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.

Fav 4 57 20
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(773): View more from Illinois

Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.

Fav 1 58 4
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(518): View more from New York

Did he at least walk u home

(1-518): View more from New York

He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.

Fav 2 89 2
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(231): View more from Michigan

I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.

(989): View more from Michigan

If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?

(478): View more from Georgia

You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?

Fav 1 56 11
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(954): View more from Florida

I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.

Fav 2 85 12
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(440): View more from Ohio

You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....

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(775): View more from Nevada

he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl

(330): View more from Ohio

awwwww babys first drunken mistake

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(619): View more from California

My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?

Fav 1 77 10
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(860): View more from Connecticut

I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I look excited, but its just a facade.

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(207): View more from Maine

There's lube on my homework. #priorities

Fav 1 43 9
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(785): View more from Kansas

Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.

Fav 1 60 15
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.

Fav 2 54 25
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(740): View more from Ohio

Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.

Fav 0 60 24
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(407): View more from Florida

I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.

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(214): View more from Texas

Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet

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(631): View more from New York

It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.

Fav 1 56 10
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(269): View more from Michigan

Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.

Fav 1 52 4
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(502): View more from Kentucky

MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.

Fav 1 51 4
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(416): View more from Toronto

Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants

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(909): View more from California

While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me

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(817): View more from Texas

I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle

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(320): View more from Minnesota

An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"

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(602): View more from Arizona

I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet

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(235): View more from

if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?

(366): View more from

except your soul

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.

Fav 7 1442 592
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(+61): View more from Australia

I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.

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(516): View more from New York

If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.

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(206): View more from Washington

After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?

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(513): View more from Ohio

CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????

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(517): View more from Michigan

for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?

Fav 3 1208 707
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(805): View more from California

Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE

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(775): View more from Nevada

have fuck

(775): View more from Nevada

*fun

(775): View more from Nevada

actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good

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(727): View more from Florida

I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement

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(219): View more from Indiana

So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.

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(209): View more from California

she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises

(1-209): View more from California

I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini

Fav 2 82 10
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(406): View more from Montana

I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.

Fav 4 56 13
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(763): View more from Minnesota

Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.

Fav 2 131 12
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(917): View more from New York City

SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(802): View more from Vermont

Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy

Fav 2 47 59
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(408): View more from California

She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.

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(+61): View more from Australia

What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.

Fav 0 88 12
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(425): View more from Washington

Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"

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(602): View more from Arizona

Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men

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(740): View more from Ohio

Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"

Fav 4 195 87
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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?

Fav 3 77 23
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(905): View more from Ontario

Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.

Fav 1 55 13
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(601): View more from Mississippi

just found a picture from last night.

(662): View more from Mississippi

the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?

(601): View more from Mississippi

uhm.... no?...

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.

Fav 1 56 6
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(916): View more from California

I smell like heartbreak.

(707): View more from California

Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?

(916): View more from California

How did you know?

Fav 1 53 9
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?

Fav 3 79 6
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(408): View more from California

Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry

(805): View more from California

House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges

(408): View more from California

I'm sorry.

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(406): View more from Montana

Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.

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(408): View more from California

Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours

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(248): View more from Michigan

okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not

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(720): View more from Colorado

We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?

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(415): View more from California

I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard

(647): View more from Ontario

I meant his actual lizard not his manhood

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(925): View more from California

Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.

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(310): View more from California

I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.

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(632): View more from

Cookies and nudity, all you need in life

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(415): View more from California

The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.

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(417): View more from Missouri

How drunk are you?

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Completed.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked

Fav 1 69 9
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(513): View more from Ohio

Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?

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(315): View more from New York

There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved

Fav 1 701 418
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

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(647): View more from Ontario

shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!

Fav 0 367 201
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(408): View more from California

Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.

Fav 1 617 276
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(507): View more from Minnesota

No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.

(320): View more from Minnesota

It's ok, February is a short month

Fav 5 1284 668
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(816): View more from Missouri

I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.

Fav 0 24 37
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(325): View more from Texas

'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?

(1-325): View more from Texas

oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?

(325): View more from Texas

I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.

Fav 3 120 9
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.

Fav 6 26 58
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(708): View more from Illinois

I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex

Fav 0 59 15
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(714): View more from California

Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point

Fav 0 67 6
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.

Fav 1 71 3
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(678): View more from Georgia

I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.

Fav 1 61 15
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(716): View more from New York

How ya feelin' champ?

(1-716): View more from New York

Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.

Fav 0 44 2
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(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

Fav 0 64 9
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"

Fav 0 1095 576
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(775): View more from Nevada

We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before

Fav 4 1366 537
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.

Fav 0 914 529
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(303): View more from Colorado

Dick very happy bro

Fav 1 53 6
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(224): View more from Illinois

I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.

Fav 2 424 210
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(716): View more from New York

Right now you and beer are my only friends.

Fav 1 360 272
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(440): View more from Ohio

She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot

Fav 6 859 1138
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(586): View more from Michigan

Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"

Fav 18 2054 623
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(612): View more from Minnesota

You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.

Fav 4 1123 524
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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm going to smell of sex and shame.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

How is that different than any other Monday night?

Fav 0 57 5
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.

(774): View more from Massachusetts

You schedule blowjobs?

Fav 2 271 117
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(808): View more from Hawaii

well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.

Fav 1 825 495
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(407): View more from Florida

He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas

Fav 10 553 852
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.

Fav 0 238 112
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(585): View more from New York

Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?

Fav 4 1108 584
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(303): View more from Colorado

I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum

Fav 1 94 18
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(231): View more from Michigan

Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel

Fav 1 28 54
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(941): View more from Florida

He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.

Fav 2 891 618
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.

Fav 3 960 518
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(432): View more from Texas

There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...

(917): View more from New York City

Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!

Fav 1 84 12
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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night

Fav 0 21 36
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(443): View more from Maryland

let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome

Fav 3 612 864
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(931): View more from Tennessee

I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.

Fav 0 51 12
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(740): View more from Ohio

Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.

Fav 4 117 20
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(647): View more from Ontario

Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?

(1-647): View more from Ontario

You are fucking her boyfriend.

Fav 5 82 98
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(312): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.

(312): View more from Illinois

Literally.

Fav 4 1026 611
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.

Fav 6 729 984
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(631): View more from New York

the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G

Fav 0 765 755
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."

Fav 2 790 495
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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....

Fav 4 794 486
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(615): View more from Tennessee

He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental

(501): View more from Arkansas

You gave him a bj, not a kidney

Fav 2 28 39
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(701): View more from North Dakota

He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.

Fav 2 18 39
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome

Fav 0 56 8
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(301): View more from Maryland

Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.

(240): View more from Maryland

Sorry, who is this??

Fav 1 56 30
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude where did you go last night?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when the tequila says to run, you start running.

Fav 2 47 13
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(250): View more from British Columbia

You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping

Fav 1 100 14
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(201): View more from New Jersey

I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.

Fav 1 975 591
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround

Fav 0 19 74
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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.

Fav 1 256 95
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(845): View more from New York

I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode

Fav 4 404 217
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(234): View more from Ohio

I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window

Fav 4 933 474
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(813): View more from Florida

Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg

Fav 2 747 380
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(856): View more from New Jersey

I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.

Fav 1 61 11
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(585): View more from New York

You were more fun when you didn't have morals.

Fav 2 234 122
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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.

Fav 4 639 387
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(703): View more from Virginia

Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

Fav 11 1716 816
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(734): View more from Michigan

Omg the world wants us to be better people

(541): View more from Oregon

I refuse

Fav 0 613 300
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(410): View more from Maryland

I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain

Fav 3 157 454
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(705): View more from Ontario

I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.

Fav 0 696 499
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(614): View more from Ohio

He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

15 is 15

Fav 6 627 1179
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(605): View more from South Dakota

Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?

Fav 0 54 12
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(256): View more from Alabama

Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out

Fav 2 37 66
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(310): View more from California

Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?

(951): View more from California

You told me to go grocery shopping.

Fav 3 1218 538
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(813): View more from Florida

Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.

Fav 6 667 410
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(563): View more from Iowa

No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.

Fav 2 854 535
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(209): View more from California

Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.

Fav 0 946 496
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College

Fav 2 994 488
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(931): View more from Tennessee

see that vagina ? that vagina means business

Fav 4 863 596
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(914): View more from New York

can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?

Fav 0 548 717
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(760): View more from California

He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....

Fav 1 984 649
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka

Fav 0 64 1
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(406): View more from Montana

"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.

Fav 2 33 13
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(817): View more from Texas

Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me

Fav 2 75 10
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(256): View more from Alabama

According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.

Fav 1 69 11
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(845): View more from New York

And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job

Fav 5 75 8
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(716): View more from New York

Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

Fav 0 58 17
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(516): View more from New York

A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.

Fav 1 51 8
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(916): View more from California

Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.

(714): View more from California

just follow your vagina

(916): View more from California

Quote of the day.

Fav 0 66 11
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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.

Fav 1 66 8
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(+61): View more from Australia

i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.

Fav 2 47 18
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(616): View more from Michigan

You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off

Fav 0 19 54
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(628): View more from California

He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.

Fav 2 51 6
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(619): View more from California

She's still here. My penis can feel it.

(858): View more from California

Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago

(619): View more from California

FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector

Fav 0 97 12
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(817): View more from Texas

I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.

Fav 0 16 36
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(847): View more from Illinois

Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick

Fav 0 17 44
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(469): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.

Fav 0 63 3
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(415): View more from California

I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.

Fav 0 91 12
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(701): View more from North Dakota

It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...

Fav 0 14 38
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(865): View more from Tennessee

Wait, how many people just saw my dick?

Fav 2 42 7
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(302): View more from Delaware

leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3

Fav 0 13 34
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(817): View more from Texas

Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on

Fav 0 39 15
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(631): View more from New York

I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow

Fav 0 12 21
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration

Fav 1 15 23
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(347): View more from New York

Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil

Fav 0 43 16
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable

Fav 1 64 7
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(503): View more from Oregon

we're so committed to being not committed

Fav 0 30 25
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(613): View more from Ontario

I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving

Fav 0 84 3
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.

Fav 0 18 34
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(650): View more from California

Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?

Fav 3 50 22
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

Prepare the pitchfork.

Fav 2 86 13
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.

Fav 0 44 12
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(937): View more from Ohio

At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.

Fav 1 79 26
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.

Fav 2 66 6
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(850): View more from Florida

I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.

Fav 5 128 31
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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?

Fav 4 30 67
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(605): View more from South Dakota

I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...

Fav 0 49 10
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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple

Fav 0 72 8
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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

Fav 0 74 19
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(773): View more from Illinois

We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.

Fav 0 14 33
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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower

Fav 1 45 22
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(313): View more from Michigan

Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.

Fav 2 141 208
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(559): View more from California

I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.

Fav 3 171 369
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(248): View more from Michigan

I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.

Fav 1 318 440
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night

Fav 4 478 485
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.

Fav 4 667 503
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(281): View more from Texas

Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.

Fav 0 683 358
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(940): View more from Texas

My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son

Fav 9 404 975
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(541): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...

Fav 3 872 904
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(336): View more from North Carolina

At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick

Fav 3 926 515
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(319): View more from Iowa

I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.

Fav 1 19 99
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(812): View more from Indiana

If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.

Fav 0 64 6
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(425): View more from Washington

The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.

Fav 1 322 124
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(604): View more from British Columbia

I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.

Fav 1 517 402
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(631): View more from New York

She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE

(1-631): View more from New York

I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU

Fav 0 59 12
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(216): View more from Ohio

SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.

(330): View more from Ohio

YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR

Fav 2 52 22
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(772): View more from Florida

I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.

Fav 1 54 7
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!

Fav 1 84 7
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(336): View more from North Carolina

i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Where are you?

(336): View more from North Carolina

dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.

Fav 0 46 12
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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it

Fav 0 40 7
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night

Fav 0 37 4
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(516): View more from New York

I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".

Fav 1 19 49
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(586): View more from Michigan

im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS

Fav 0 55 7
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(720): View more from Colorado

I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.

Fav 0 62 8
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(407): View more from Florida

Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.

Fav 1 91 8
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(605): View more from South Dakota

Have you heard yourself have sex?

(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm not THAT loud...

(605): View more from South Dakota

My neighbors filed a noise complaint.

Fav 2 76 13
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(817): View more from Texas

Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.

Fav 2 58 10
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(203): View more from Connecticut

Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Pedi-lyte stocked

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(425): View more from Washington

THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.

Fav 9 1264 958
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair

Fav 2 66 25
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(727): View more from Florida

I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.

Fav 1 91 5
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She invited us over for cocaine and donuts

Fav 4 376 218
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(251): View more from Alabama

He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?

Fav 1 518 134
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(216): View more from Ohio

Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid

Fav 2 266 331
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(516): View more from New York

He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak

Fav 3 1121 958
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"

Fav 1 78 10
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(631): View more from New York

How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...

Fav 3 316 217
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset

Fav 7 1309 633
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(209): View more from California

I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.

Fav 5 1319 627
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...

Fav 8 1430 596
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(928): View more from Arizona

He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.

Fav 2 181 28
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(647): View more from Ontario

Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.

Fav 1 523 219
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Bjs and tacos. That's my life.

Fav 1 670 349
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(940): View more from Texas

I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.

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(545): View more from

You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.

Fav 1 1239 690
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.

Fav 1 52 7
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(425): View more from Washington

Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....

Fav 1 56 7
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.

Fav 1 114 18
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!

Fav 2 51 5
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question

Fav 3 41 29
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(410): View more from Maryland

as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.

Fav 0 95 10
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(850): View more from Florida

They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.

(678): View more from Georgia

You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.

Fav 1 55 13
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(925): View more from California

She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.

Fav 2 119 13
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(361): View more from Texas

Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?

(830): View more from Texas

It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.

Fav 2 19 30
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(775): View more from Nevada

He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.

Fav 0 20 65
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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.

Fav 1 30 27
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(804): View more from Virginia

Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".

Fav 5 575 437
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(810): View more from Michigan

Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party

Fav 1 857 438
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(616): View more from Michigan

i need to put some appletini on your dick

Fav 3 676 494
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(239): View more from Florida

This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(315): View more from New York

She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder

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(410): View more from Maryland

Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.

(410): View more from Maryland

By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"

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(551): View more from New Jersey

New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on

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(806): View more from Texas

I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.

(940): View more from Texas

I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?

(806): View more from Texas

LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation

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(607): View more from New York

I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor

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(812): View more from Indiana

So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.

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(904): View more from Florida

I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.

Fav 0 249 147
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(504): View more from Louisiana

Who says no to sex and donuts?!

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(512): View more from Texas

im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.

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(253): View more from Washington

My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!

Fav 3 444 495
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(425): View more from Washington

with great strapon comes great responsibility.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing

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(419): View more from Ohio

He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...

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(720): View more from Colorado

Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.

Fav 2 108 11
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(813): View more from Florida

Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent

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(540): View more from Virginia

I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.

Fav 0 59 5
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(302): View more from Delaware

If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.

Fav 2 75 12
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(519): View more from Ontario

We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke

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(309): View more from Illinois

I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked

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(312): View more from Illinois

Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀

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(518): View more from New York

Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.

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(303): View more from Colorado

STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD

(1-303): View more from Colorado

THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???

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(908): View more from New Jersey

All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti

(615): View more from Tennessee

That's what happens when you party with the tribe

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(256): View more from Alabama

IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle

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(317): View more from Indiana

That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.

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(239): View more from Florida

How drunk do you guys plan on getting?

(1-239): View more from Florida

We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(206): View more from Washington

My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons

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(404): View more from Georgia

How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy

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(415): View more from California

Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Do you have any forwarding contact info?

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(217): View more from Illinois

the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him

Fav 1 68 8
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face

Fav 0 47 8
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(909): View more from California

did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?

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(810): View more from Michigan

It just smells like spaghetti and despair.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'

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(314): View more from Missouri

Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.

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(253): View more from Washington

someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...

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(925): View more from California

We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?

Fav 1 5 37
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(302): View more from Delaware

Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms

Fav 1 84 13
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(469): View more from Texas

I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry

Fav 2 677 488
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(864): View more from South Carolina

Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait

Fav 1 83 18
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(914): View more from New York

Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.

Fav 1 248 450
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(919): View more from North Carolina

It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.

Fav 7 897 438
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(831): View more from California

sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing

(408): View more from California

it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"

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(206): View more from Washington

Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.

(425): View more from Washington

I'll pay?

(206): View more from Washington

Pick me up at 9.

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(707): View more from California

Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(206): View more from Washington

listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.

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(801): View more from Utah

The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?

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(916): View more from California

I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle

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(305): View more from Florida

We don't watch enough power rangers

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(812): View more from Indiana

FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG

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(949): View more from California

We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.

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(863): View more from Florida

On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?

(1-863): View more from Florida

Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.

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(712): View more from Iowa

sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?

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(972): View more from Texas

I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.

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(820): View more from

Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets

(816): View more from Missouri

Me and I got head

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat

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(440): View more from Ohio

you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.

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(585): View more from New York

he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.

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(312): View more from Illinois

she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.

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(+38): View more from

I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Come fucking get her

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(804): View more from Virginia

I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex

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(908): View more from New Jersey

can we drink soon

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world

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(858): View more from California

I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.

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(386): View more from Florida

Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.

Fav 1 28 6
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(949): View more from California

I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided

(1-949): View more from California

Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book

Fav 1 57 14
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...

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(614): View more from Ohio

fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.

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(206): View more from Washington

BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.

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(951): View more from California

AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.

(1+44): View more from

They'll never let you practice medicine.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.

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(415): View more from California

Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.

Fav 1 323 133
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(312): View more from Illinois

We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.

Fav 0 327 241
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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.

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(+57): View more from

I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.

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(360): View more from Washington

Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.

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(207): View more from Maine

So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.

Fav 1 47 13
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(251): View more from Alabama

Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.

Fav 1 81 16
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(217): View more from Illinois

Do it break your family into faction start a civil war

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(404): View more from Georgia

What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?

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(330): View more from Ohio

And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets

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(518): View more from New York

I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.

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(619): View more from California

I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.

Fav 0 58 22
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(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?

Fav 0 38 9
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(519): View more from Ontario

Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh my god I need an adult

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Wait shit I am an adult

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy

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(520): View more from Arizona

I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks

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(804): View more from Virginia

I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"

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(703): View more from Virginia

MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT

(912): View more from Georgia

WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.

(763): View more from Minnesota

welcome to college.

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(801): View more from Utah

the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me

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(678): View more from Georgia

I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.

Fav 0 48 23
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(310): View more from California

Seriously where are the good guys?

(559): View more from California

The friend zone.

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(650): View more from California

I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room

Fav 1 42 6
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(413): View more from Massachusetts

To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?

Fav 0 27 41
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(425): View more from Washington

Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Why would you get kicked out?

(574): View more from Indiana

Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits

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(909): View more from California

I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.

Fav 0 60 9
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(708): View more from Illinois

There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.

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(211): View more from

I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America

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(616): View more from Michigan

The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.

(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.

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(585): View more from New York

Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret

Fav 0 68 29
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey what you doing tonight?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

See you in about a hour

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I think he fucked my hip out of place.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.

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(690): View more from

Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.

(1-690): View more from

Drunk, high, hungover?

(690): View more from

...I wish I had an excuse.

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(914): View more from New York

My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

well ya only live once...

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do

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(718): View more from New York

I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho

Fav 0 60 2
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(626): View more from California

Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair

Fav 0 55 3
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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...

(856): View more from New Jersey

YOU ARE MY HERO

Fav 8 938 592
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(562): View more from California

That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel

Fav 0 855 487
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no

Fav 1 30 88
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(701): View more from North Dakota

You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.

Fav 3 105 27
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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend

Fav 0 440 672
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(763): View more from Minnesota

I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.

Fav 8 802 569
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(703): View more from Virginia

I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Hydrate.

Fav 5 1474 667
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(310): View more from California

Is cereal technically a soup?

(310): View more from California

Fuck, I'm high.

Fav 9 1753 722
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(914): View more from New York

Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way

Fav 0 38 6
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe

Fav 2 199 94
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(252): View more from North Carolina

Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts

Fav 5 510 684
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(727): View more from Florida

She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.

Fav 9 519 1259
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(850): View more from Florida

I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up

Fav 3 885 584
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(410): View more from Maryland

He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn

Fav 2 34 14
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(443): View more from Maryland

I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.

(410): View more from Maryland

Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.

(443): View more from Maryland

Deal.

Fav 1 90 18
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(410): View more from Maryland

Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.

Fav 3 33 45
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(907): View more from Alaska

He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?

Fav 0 51 19
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(601): View more from Mississippi

I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.

Fav 1 21 58
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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.

Fav 0 26 47
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(973): View more from New Jersey

Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.

Fav 2 63 20
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night

(302): View more from Delaware

which are?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

library sex.

Fav 0 81 15
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(619): View more from California

You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you

Fav 0 41 13
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(513): View more from Ohio

The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.

Fav 3 80 24
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(513): View more from Ohio

I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.

Fav 3 67 14
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(516): View more from New York

look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?

Fav 3 46 49
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(810): View more from Michigan

I will find, mount, and marry that person.

Fav 1 57 14
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.

Fav 0 53 8
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.

Fav 1 27 30
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(+61): View more from Australia

Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby

Fav 0 62 11
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(209): View more from California

She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper

Fav 2 65 13
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(816): View more from Missouri

You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.

Fav 0 49 18
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.

Fav 1 72 13
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today

Fav 0 38 20
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom

Fav 2 25 83
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(205): View more from Alabama

I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.

Fav 4 31 56
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(647): View more from Ontario

I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.

Fav 1 64 10
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(415): View more from California

I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down

Fav 2 482 277
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(630): View more from Illinois

Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him

Fav 0 550 514
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(425): View more from Washington

And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you

Fav 0 80 10
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(404): View more from Georgia

All is fair in love and war and toga parties

Fav 1 690 408
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(217): View more from Illinois

Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy

Fav 3 269 105
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(317): View more from Indiana

Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.

Fav 7 924 557
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(309): View more from Illinois

Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.

Fav 2 948 617
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(207): View more from Maine

No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.

(207): View more from Maine

What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?

Fav 3 755 452
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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

Fav 8 2544 826
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it

Fav 0 47 15
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(815): View more from Illinois

I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it

(317): View more from Indiana

is it necessary to steal the whole car?

Fav 0 44 13
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(954): View more from Florida

is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

yes. but it works for you

Fav 1 69 16
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"

Fav 1 53 11
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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.

Fav 0 21 68
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.

Fav 0 80 5
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(325): View more from Texas

This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.

Fav 3 93 19
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(417): View more from Missouri

God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.

Fav 1 71 6
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(518): View more from New York

YO. MCGRIDDLES.

Fav 0 506 311
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(330): View more from Ohio

You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.

Fav 5 1052 569
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(773): View more from Illinois

You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra

Fav 0 71 23
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(208): View more from Idaho

If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.

Fav 2 40 25
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(713): View more from Texas

Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!

Fav 1 46 7
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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.

Fav 1 13 74
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.

Fav 1 68 16
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(858): View more from California

So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?

Fav 14 1888 717
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(970): View more from Colorado

he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.

Fav 4 1606 628
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar

Fav 2 69 18
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard

Fav 1 491 182
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It was a blind-side dick pic.

Fav 2 294 354
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(620): View more from Kansas

There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos

Fav 1 580 493
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(919): View more from North Carolina

So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.

(336): View more from North Carolina

THAT'S MY GIRL

Fav 1 1322 512
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(702): View more from Nevada

He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...

Fav 1 38 28
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(801): View more from Utah

He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.

Fav 0 19 48
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(330): View more from Ohio

I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages

Fav 0 19 59
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(931): View more from Tennessee

He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic

Fav 5 1865 705
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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?

Fav 5 1549 682
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(586): View more from Michigan

So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.

Fav 3 156 352
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in

Fav 4 718 392
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(651): View more from Minnesota

I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza

Fav 0 483 684
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(425): View more from Washington

I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it

Fav 8 1489 649
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle

Fav 3 283 523
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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."

Fav 4 1728 661
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(314): View more from Missouri

Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.

Fav 1 19 45
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(641): View more from Iowa

What the hell did you do last night?

(786): View more from Florida

I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.

Fav 1 67 9
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(985): View more from Louisiana

OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Stall or urinal?

Fav 2 19 49
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??

Fav 0 52 17
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Fair enough

Fav 1 94 18
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.

Fav 3 490 157
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(952): View more from Minnesota

We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.

Fav 3 970 570
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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me

Fav 4 921 554
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(360): View more from Washington

Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...

Fav 2 62 12
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(802): View more from Vermont

I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.

Fav 0 172 93
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.

Fav 4 1349 543
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(317): View more from Indiana

If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis

Fav 4 181 12
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(310): View more from California

get your sex hands out of my capn crunch

Fav 1 293 136
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(513): View more from Ohio

I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?

Fav 14 1352 852
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(440): View more from Ohio

Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell

Fav 2 456 252
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(516): View more from New York

My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.

Fav 1 224 439
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(317): View more from Indiana

I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.

Fav 1 871 427
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(917): View more from New York City

currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"

Fav 5 510 837
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.

Fav 6 1221 548
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(207): View more from Maine

Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.

Fav 0 69 13
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(763): View more from Minnesota

just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.

Fav 1 635 444
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(786): View more from Florida

Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.

(1-786): View more from Florida

Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?

(786): View more from Florida

I insist.

Fav 2 1437 684
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(989): View more from Michigan

He literally knows my vagina better then I do.

Fav 2 73 8
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(423): View more from Tennessee

What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick

Fav 6 542 641
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(+61): View more from Australia

Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution

Fav 0 57 15
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(801): View more from Utah

Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.

Fav 1 66 62
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(404): View more from Georgia

I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture

Fav 3 947 511
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(239): View more from Florida

Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"

Fav 0 175 96
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.

Fav 10 1455 721
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(302): View more from Delaware

Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.

Fav 4 1429 807
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(845): View more from New York

He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon

Fav 2 183 114
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.

Fav 0 58 8
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(207): View more from Maine

My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again

Fav 0 36 31
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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch

Fav 2 27 58
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it

Fav 1 379 197
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.

Fav 2 1623 630
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(612): View more from Minnesota

Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.

Fav 6 1217 651
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(615): View more from Tennessee

DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN

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(551): View more from New Jersey

But break dance skills will only take you so far

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?

Fav 2 835 514
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(216): View more from Ohio

I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!

Fav 3 1563 565
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(609): View more from New Jersey

I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.

Fav 0 44 35
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(585): View more from New York

Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.

(585): View more from New York

How long will your dick be dry?

Fav 1 152 183
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(281): View more from Texas

You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂

Fav 1 87 18
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(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO

Fav 2 377 270
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(720): View more from Colorado

I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM

Fav 2 30 55
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.

Fav 0 321 206
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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm drunk at 3:28

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm jealous as shit at 3:34

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(904): View more from Florida

It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend

Fav 2 67 14
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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.

Fav 0 45 8
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(937): View more from Ohio

Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo

Fav 0 22 43
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(615): View more from Tennessee

NoShamevember. You game?

Fav 3 1328 830
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(631): View more from New York

10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.

Fav 5 1210 542
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(404): View more from Georgia

I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.

(910): View more from North Carolina

That's what you say about everyone.

Fav 5 1323 609
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(815): View more from Illinois

after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.

Fav 9 1678 745
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(651): View more from Minnesota

She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?

Fav 0 488 218
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(518): View more from New York

Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?

Fav 1 110 15
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.

Fav 4 977 519
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(404): View more from Georgia

If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

Fav 4 1693 757
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(760): View more from California

he just fucked me for my cheese..

Fav 1 52 18
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(408): View more from California

If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed

Fav 3 1021 553
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(909): View more from California

I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"

Fav 6 1369 571
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(310): View more from California

Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.

Fav 3 1122 622
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry

Fav 9 1334 604
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(540): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.

Fav 0 207 93
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(616): View more from Michigan

He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.

Fav 9 1113 521
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(616): View more from Michigan

I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed

Fav 2 821 489
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(703): View more from Virginia

I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.

Fav 2 991 608
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(813): View more from Florida

Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day

Fav 4 508 924
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(843): View more from South Carolina

My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.

Fav 1 526 714
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.

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(415): View more from California

I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.

Fav 6 1652 1055
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(045): View more from

Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.

Fav 1 88 11
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.

Fav 1 43 12
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.

Fav 0 49 27
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(206): View more from Washington

Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.

Fav 1 47 48
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(347): View more from New York

I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.

Fav 0 46 12
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(518): View more from New York

I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .

Fav 0 58 7
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(516): View more from New York

I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"

Fav 2 59 13
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(703): View more from Virginia

You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.

Fav 2 64 7
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(551): View more from New Jersey

I hate who I am becoming

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well

Fav 2 36 13
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(585): View more from New York

I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper

Fav 1 89 12
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(802): View more from Vermont

When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.

Fav 0 35 18
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(919): View more from North Carolina

Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Spring cleaning

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(905): View more from Ontario

I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society

Fav 1 732 482
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(425): View more from Washington

Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.

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(734): View more from Michigan

You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.

Fav 1 1054 548
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(716): View more from New York

He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.

Fav 4 203 88
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(256): View more from Alabama

I have tasted many bathrooms

Fav 1 22 62
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(916): View more from California

Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!

Fav 2 204 12
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(61): View more from Australia

My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf

Fav 0 39 20
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(240): View more from Maryland

Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.

Fav 2 97 11
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(562): View more from California

Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around

Fav 4 559 775
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(319): View more from Iowa

I need a fuck buddy with more available hours

Fav 2 420 170
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(757): View more from Virginia

ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness

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(510): View more from California

Are you drunk already?

(415): View more from California

Not already - at LAST.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?

(703): View more from Virginia

third one in three days

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day

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(650): View more from California

Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.

(703): View more from Virginia

But doesn't your shift end at like noon?

(540): View more from Virginia

I don't think you understand.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway

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(705): View more from Ontario

She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it

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(585): View more from New York

I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear

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(309): View more from Illinois

I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON

(309): View more from Illinois

THE MOOOOOOOON

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.

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(406): View more from Montana

The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.

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(713): View more from Texas

Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now

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(813): View more from Florida

He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

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(212): View more from New York

We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"

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(602): View more from Arizona

I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.

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(305): View more from Florida

He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?

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(602): View more from Arizona

$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place

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(555): View more from

I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales

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(989): View more from Michigan

Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.

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(361): View more from Texas

u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...

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(740): View more from Ohio

Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross

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(815): View more from Illinois

I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him

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(315): View more from New York

Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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(801): View more from Utah

It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Fuck me I smell like cheese

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together

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(813): View more from Florida

Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.

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(850): View more from Florida

I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up

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(585): View more from New York

Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...

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(707): View more from California

Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?

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(209): View more from California

I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.

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(716): View more from New York

He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint

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(206): View more from Washington

I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day

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(720): View more from Colorado

Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."

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(914): View more from New York

You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor

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(917): View more from New York City

My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(416): View more from Toronto

arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

(647): View more from Ontario

Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

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(518): View more from New York

I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.

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(512): View more from Texas

just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders

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(716): View more from New York

ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.

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(903): View more from Texas

Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.

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(415): View more from California

I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes

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(727): View more from Florida

No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating

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(561): View more from Florida

I lost the right to judge tonight

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.

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(425): View more from Washington

'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for

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(801): View more from Utah

NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him

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(925): View more from California

We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!

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(640): View more from

I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven

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(646): View more from New York

I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole

(516): View more from New York

Hahaha oops.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My liver is screaming fuck you right now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.

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(315): View more from New York

I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops

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(425): View more from Washington

Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ORGASMS AND PIZZA

(519): View more from Ontario

PIZZA AND ORGASMS

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(973): View more from New Jersey

And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux

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(407): View more from Florida

My vagina is officially offended.

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(818): View more from California

the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.

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(477): View more from

I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me

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(210): View more from Texas

did you know gatorade and rum go really good together

(1-210): View more from Texas

Are you doing depressed science again

(210): View more from Texas

maybe

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(302): View more from Delaware

at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.

(636): View more from Missouri

And then audibly agreed

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(971): View more from Oregon

no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak

(603): View more from New Hampshire

my vagina doesn't wear a watch

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo

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(631): View more from New York

I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever

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(440): View more from Ohio

I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you

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(708): View more from Illinois

Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(914): View more from New York

Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.

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(530): View more from California

I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

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(305): View more from Florida

Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.

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(631): View more from New York

She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Stop touching yourself.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???

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(530): View more from California

Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.

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(214): View more from Texas

This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I

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(817): View more from Texas

Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory

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(716): View more from New York

My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.

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(347): View more from New York

Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings

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(801): View more from Utah

The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.

(801): View more from Utah

The girl neighbor.

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(607): View more from New York

I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If those panties could talk.

(407): View more from Florida

"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.

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(585): View more from New York

He called me kiddo. We can't have sex

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(949): View more from California

Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."

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(925): View more from California

i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.

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(231): View more from Michigan

was I really that bad?

(616): View more from Michigan

you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage

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(307): View more from Wyoming

A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror

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(847): View more from Illinois

There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(951): View more from California

I just said "you do you" to my penis.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll just say I told you so at your funeral

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(718): View more from New York

Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I've had more orgasms than showers this week.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.

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(562): View more from California

He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.

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(928): View more from Arizona

We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.

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(740): View more from Ohio

so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls

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(712): View more from Iowa

Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet

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(925): View more from California

I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): View more from California

Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(914): View more from New York

so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life

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(443): View more from Maryland

Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!

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(310): View more from California

How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

So unmotivated today.

(808): View more from Hawaii

Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster

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(248): View more from Michigan

How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?

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(259): View more from

man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day

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(678): View more from Georgia

After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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(514): View more from Quebec

So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole

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(407): View more from Florida

There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.

(802): View more from Vermont

Campus is too small for this to keep happening

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(714): View more from California

How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I think I met my butt stuff soulmate

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(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now

(561): View more from Florida

I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

(501): View more from Arkansas

Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

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(315): View more from New York

I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores

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(425): View more from Washington

At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.

(563): View more from Iowa

How is that low? I love carrots.

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(916): View more from California

On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome

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(847): View more from Illinois

You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.

Fav 1 326 190
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(503): View more from Oregon

I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me

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(714): View more from California

I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.

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(562): View more from California

Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?

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(936): View more from Texas

We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night

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(415): View more from California

He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.

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(251): View more from Alabama

You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.

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(716): View more from New York

If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.

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(240): View more from Maryland

All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty

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(208): View more from Idaho

She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.

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(630): View more from Illinois

On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be

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(530): View more from California

He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."

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(773): View more from Illinois

if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

(815): View more from Illinois

This is why you're my favorite.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?

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(312): View more from Illinois

She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.

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(205): View more from Alabama

he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.

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(407): View more from Florida

so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing

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(801): View more from Utah

When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.

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(319): View more from Iowa

HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.

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(801): View more from Utah

Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes

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(914): View more from New York

Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default

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(925): View more from California

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

(651): View more from Minnesota

You are a terrible person.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just try to be optimistic...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.

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(254): View more from Texas

And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan

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(416): View more from Toronto

So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.

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(440): View more from Ohio

She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her

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(281): View more from Texas

all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...

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(317): View more from Indiana

You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(512): View more from Texas

On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.

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(416): View more from Toronto

In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.

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(530): View more from California

im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer

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(562): View more from California

You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.

(310): View more from California

Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?

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(516): View more from New York

like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked

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(815): View more from Illinois

Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"

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(915): View more from Texas

Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.

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(360): View more from Washington

Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.

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(719): View more from Colorado

It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores

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(423): View more from Tennessee

So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.

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(917): View more from New York City

Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days

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(517): View more from Michigan

He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

LOCK HIM DOWN.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.

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(281): View more from Texas

I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."

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(562): View more from California

I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart

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(587): View more from Alberta

You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later

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(602): View more from Arizona

Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.

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(607): View more from New York

Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

do you want to shower with me?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower

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(510): View more from California

I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"

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(520): View more from Arizona

Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.

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(845): View more from New York

So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?

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(949): View more from California

Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties

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(+61): View more from Australia

Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.

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(813): View more from Florida

Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats! Its a fuck boy!

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(410): View more from Maryland

So I just went to clothing optional bar

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(650): View more from California

Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"

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(702): View more from Nevada

But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!

(860): View more from Connecticut

You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.

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(619): View more from California

Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.

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(916): View more from California

That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt

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(765): View more from Indiana

I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.

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(971): View more from Oregon

Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that

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(513): View more from Ohio

Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room

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(913): View more from Kansas

That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.

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(207): View more from Maine

Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up

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(613): View more from Ontario

whatcha doing?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

lying in bed pretending to be a slug

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(812): View more from Indiana

We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?

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(406): View more from Montana

It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner

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(425): View more from Washington

He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm high. ignore me

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She made me pour olive oil on her.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick

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(310): View more from California

I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?

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(586): View more from Michigan

He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Did we just second hand smoke crack?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.

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(407): View more from Florida

I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile

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(406): View more from Montana

All I want is dick and wine.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.

Fav 8 1855 1090
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(858): View more from California

who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex

Fav 0 120 55
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(731): View more from Tennessee

After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.

Fav 2 161 349
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(416): View more from Toronto

I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"

Fav 3 890 529
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(269): View more from Michigan

I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes

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(817): View more from Texas

But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.

Fav 3 74 16
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(616): View more from Michigan

Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.

Fav 3 35 74
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(585): View more from New York

She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.

(585): View more from New York

gtg, the cops are here

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(989): View more from Michigan

Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.

Fav 0 92 9
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(512): View more from Texas

75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.

Fav 2 32 71
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(801): View more from Utah

Hey so I got my period

(1-801): View more from Utah

Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months

Fav 2 107 9
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(551): View more from New Jersey

you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions

Fav 1 81 9
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(858): View more from California

If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.

Fav 0 53 29
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(818): View more from California

I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.

Fav 0 24 54
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(585): View more from New York

You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.

Fav 1 15 62
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(703): View more from Virginia

He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome

Fav 0 43 33
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(502): View more from Kentucky

i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid

Fav 4 59 30
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(905): View more from Ontario

He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?

Fav 1 131 9
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(480): View more from Arizona

He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.

Fav 6 1337 664
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(812): View more from Indiana

Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day

Fav 1 68 7
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(515): View more from Iowa

Thanks for the bagel and the sex.

Fav 3 641 273
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(716): View more from New York

lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties

Fav 3 44 65
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(615): View more from Tennessee

I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.

Fav 2 1071 514
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(862): View more from New Jersey

Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.

Fav 2 682 812
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(250): View more from British Columbia

your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party

Fav 2 1222 607
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(661): View more from California

Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.

Fav 4 937 780
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(727): View more from Florida

I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!

Fav 1 80 7
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(205): View more from Alabama

We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten

Fav 2 240 254
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(562): View more from California

I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"

Fav 3 1121 523
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(719): View more from Colorado

What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.

Fav 4 88 24
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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell

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(979): View more from Texas

my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad

Fav 10 772 1848
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.

Fav 16 1265 1313
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.

Fav 1 86 9
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(512): View more from Texas

Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.

Fav 4 89 8
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(352): View more from Florida

what the fuck is wrong with you

(702): View more from Nevada

Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?

Fav 1 138 12
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(630): View more from Illinois

Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.

Fav 5 634 1034
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(732): View more from New Jersey

She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.

Fav 0 336 180
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(519): View more from Ontario

don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom

Fav 3 1074 567
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(856): View more from New Jersey

We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet

Fav 5 971 583
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(301): View more from Maryland

All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!

Fav 4 155 64
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(917): View more from New York City

don't judge my taste in strippers

Fav 2 776 609
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(828): View more from North Carolina

You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room

Fav 2 1349 501
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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(+61): View more from Australia

Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.

Fav 1 146 70
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(347): View more from New York

Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?

Fav 1 621 357
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(256): View more from Alabama

One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?

Fav 5 91 38
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(503): View more from Oregon

So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.

(503): View more from Oregon

He asked if he could come over tomorrow....

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(226): View more from Ontario

You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"

Fav 1 970 572
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(631): View more from New York

I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma

Fav 1 96 26
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(407): View more from Florida

Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!

Fav 2 171 134
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(707): View more from California

The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".

Fav 3 757 863
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(269): View more from Michigan

CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO

Fav 1 1100 604
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(816): View more from Missouri

I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.

Fav 3 1244 592
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(240): View more from Maryland

after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.

Fav 3 34 58
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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger

Fav 1 47 10
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(801): View more from Utah

I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight

Fav 2 87 14
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(618): View more from Illinois

I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.

Fav 1 65 13
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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished

Fav 1 71 24
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that

Fav 1 80 26
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name

Fav 3 17 74
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(703): View more from Virginia

As a home can we vote to stab Peter?

Fav 1 46 24
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(510): View more from California

God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot

Fav 0 73 27
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(543): View more from

Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.

Fav 2 81 13
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(410): View more from Maryland

Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.

(440): View more from Ohio

Ok. That just sounds baller.

Fav 0 48 22
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.

Fav 1 128 7
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(801): View more from Utah

You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm

Fav 1 84 24
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(502): View more from Kentucky

I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.

Fav 0 65 11
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(415): View more from California

After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.

Fav 2 455 268
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(778): View more from British Columbia

Our lives are a motherfucking joke

Fav 1 286 163
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(619): View more from California

He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.

Fav 1 523 717
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(638): View more from

Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.

Fav 4 1029 497
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have suspicion of morning wood.

(281): View more from Texas

How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?

Fav 4 1065 646
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!

Fav 6 964 532
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(317): View more from Indiana

Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol

Fav 8 1275 575
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.

Fav 1 88 11
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(616): View more from Michigan

I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down

Fav 3 393 514
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(425): View more from Washington

Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.

Fav 3 1753 619
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter

Fav 2 66 31
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.

Fav 1 182 92
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.

Fav 7 471 634
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(435): View more from Utah

Thanks for fucking me in last night

(435): View more from Utah

TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??

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(720): View more from Colorado

Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?

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(518): View more from New York

Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?

Fav 2 209 115
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(307): View more from Wyoming

Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?

Fav 4 653 185
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(631): View more from New York

Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good

Fav 1 1084 493
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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.

Fav 2 87 131
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(530): View more from California

He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.

Fav 0 307 76
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(260): View more from Indiana

My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.

Fav 4 1137 470
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(678): View more from Georgia

If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?

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(734): View more from Michigan

all my money is vodka money

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have never read a truer sentence.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Best superhero ever to exist

Fav 6 1351 556
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(212): View more from New York

Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive

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(703): View more from Virginia

i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house

Fav 0 52 22
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(951): View more from California

ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP

(1-951): View more from California

Have fun and good luck.

Fav 0 84 12
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(330): View more from Ohio

Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?

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(817): View more from Texas

I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.

Fav 0 105 12
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.

Fav 1 41 7
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(701): View more from North Dakota

He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.

Fav 1 130 10
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(651): View more from Minnesota

He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.

Fav 1 76 17
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(847): View more from Illinois

Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.

Fav 0 118 72
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(301): View more from Maryland

Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night

Fav 0 453 107
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(586): View more from Michigan

Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.

Fav 3 963 512
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(843): View more from South Carolina

It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.

Fav 11 2336 1609
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(989): View more from Michigan

I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.

Fav 0 586 320
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(203): View more from Connecticut

Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser

Fav 5 469 573
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(408): View more from California

I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.

Fav 2 657 876
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(914): View more from New York

Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo

Fav 6 580 896
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(816): View more from Missouri

I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.

Fav 1 30 44
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(586): View more from Michigan

You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.

Fav 5 192 97
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(360): View more from Washington

It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.

Fav 0 307 156
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(320): View more from Minnesota

You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.

Fav 0 67 19
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(516): View more from New York

I spy something regrettable...

(716): View more from New York

Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.

Fav 1 771 565
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(423): View more from Tennessee

I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.

Fav 3 1003 546
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(530): View more from California

I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

Fav 1 1287 641
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(518): View more from New York

He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.

Fav 1 76 14
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT

Fav 3 68 8
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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day

Fav 0 55 13
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(815): View more from Illinois

I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset

Fav 1 42 19
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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded

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(971): View more from Oregon

she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here

Fav 5 1081 552
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(360): View more from Washington

can I cover your dick in cookie butter?

Fav 9 747 378
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(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."

Fav 4 985 622
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(417): View more from Missouri

Update: He still has devil magic genitals.

Fav 0 79 7
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(660): View more from Missouri

Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?

Fav 1 756 466
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(514): View more from Quebec

Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.

Fav 3 812 369
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(480): View more from Arizona

i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs

Fav 5 1204 581
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(970): View more from Colorado

My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.

Fav 7 224 113
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(408): View more from California

Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.

Fav 3 45 29
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(512): View more from Texas

I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed

Fav 2 23 47
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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...

Fav 1 86 9
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(270): View more from Kentucky

Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.

Fav 0 43 19
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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review

Fav 3 72 32
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(720): View more from Colorado

She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable

(303): View more from Colorado

thermos full of jaeger bombs?

(720): View more from Colorado

Affirmative

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(256): View more from Alabama

But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.

Fav 1 1306 518
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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow

Fav 2 1265 558
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(415): View more from California

My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect

Fav 1 66 14
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(863): View more from Florida

I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man

Fav 0 49 14
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(314): View more from Missouri

I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.

Fav 2 35 49
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

his single is called “stick some holes in it”

Fav 2 23 35
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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.

Fav 1 57 24
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes

Fav 2 742 346
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(908): View more from New Jersey

the liver wants what the liver wants

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(716): View more from New York

I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town

Fav 1 167 125
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(212): View more from New York

Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.

Fav 0 388 128
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(630): View more from Illinois

HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.

Fav 3 841 602
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(970): View more from Colorado

I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.

Fav 8 1369 709
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(248): View more from Michigan

At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?

(248): View more from Michigan

I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.

Fav 1 77 13
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(416): View more from Toronto

He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.

Fav 3 19 65
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(856): View more from New Jersey

NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess

Fav 0 65 21
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.

Fav 2 528 190
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(740): View more from Ohio

Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.

Fav 2 782 532
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(646): View more from New York

If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.

Fav 1 247 154
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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.

Fav 1 327 181
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(850): View more from Florida

Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it

Fav 3 289 327
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(765): View more from Indiana

She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks

Fav 1 143 96
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(309): View more from Illinois

I need vitamin water and Jesus :/

Fav 2 745 537
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(312): View more from Illinois

Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?

Fav 4 930 645
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(562): View more from California

I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"

Fav 6 1186 662
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.

Fav 1 768 594
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(912): View more from Georgia

I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets

Fav 5 564 881
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(989): View more from Michigan

dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw

Fav 3 743 490
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.

Fav 4 1353 571
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(509): View more from Washington

I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.

Fav 1 219 105
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(408): View more from California

she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick

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(407): View more from Florida

I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"

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(+91): View more from India

I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !

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(847): View more from Illinois

My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.

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(239): View more from Florida

Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.

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(954): View more from Florida

Sadly, she's the porn star that got away

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.

Fav 3 172 66
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(636): View more from Missouri

I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.

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(647): View more from Ontario

How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

(416): View more from Toronto

Formal letter or email.

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(469): View more from Texas

When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(586): View more from Michigan

Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face

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(613): View more from Ontario

What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?

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(205): View more from Alabama

You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder

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(631): View more from New York

Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me

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(718): View more from New York

I'm gonna cum garlic butter

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(727): View more from Florida

His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.

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(510): View more from California

You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.

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(805): View more from California

Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.

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(949): View more from California

Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You had me at "let me see your balls"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then

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(760): View more from California

I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.

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(904): View more from Florida

It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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(757): View more from Virginia

He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...

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(602): View more from Arizona

He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Awwwwwww!

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(720): View more from Colorado

We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.

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(850): View more from Florida

Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.

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(315): View more from New York

It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse

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(937): View more from Ohio

Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.

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(315): View more from New York

Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.

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(313): View more from Michigan

This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.

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(815): View more from Illinois

A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language

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(323): View more from California

In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.

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(585): View more from New York

I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky

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(646): View more from New York

I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE

(646): View more from New York

HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT

(646): View more from New York

GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT

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(503): View more from Oregon

I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.

(516): View more from New York

Welcome to my everyday.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches

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(224): View more from Illinois

Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do you have feelings for this penis?

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(707): View more from California

Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny

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(813): View more from Florida

I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We were destined to go to rehab together

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(630): View more from Illinois

SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.

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(315): View more from New York

If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate

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(971): View more from Oregon

Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.

(503): View more from Oregon

Preach sister.

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(812): View more from Indiana

That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only

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(406): View more from Montana

He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science

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(812): View more from Indiana

You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?

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(646): View more from New York

I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress

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(937): View more from Ohio

That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....

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(313): View more from Michigan

We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.

(313): View more from Michigan

Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys

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(949): View more from California

Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.

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(562): View more from California

Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present

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(817): View more from Texas

I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out

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(917): View more from New York City

Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY

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(330): View more from Ohio

That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit

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(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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(863): View more from Florida

If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.

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(310): View more from California

What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...

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(503): View more from Oregon

U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."

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(909): View more from California

Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run

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(407): View more from Florida

Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.

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(713): View more from Texas

So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.

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(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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(323): View more from California

I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.

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(760): View more from California

I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!

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(216): View more from Ohio

Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.

(440): View more from Ohio

Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed

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(850): View more from Florida

Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"

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(812): View more from Indiana

If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me

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(408): View more from California

If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.

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(705): View more from Ontario

how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm afraid to ask, but go on.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.

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(406): View more from Montana

She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

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(305): View more from Florida

Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!

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(831): View more from California

i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing

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(208): View more from Idaho

i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.

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(818): View more from California

my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny

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(815): View more from Illinois

He would drink pee if it was in a beer can

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(810): View more from Michigan

The power of my boobs compel you

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(302): View more from Delaware

My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"

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(616): View more from Michigan

Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.

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(703): View more from Virginia

My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud

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(213): View more from California

2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.

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(407): View more from Florida

My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?

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(801): View more from Utah

You grabbed my dick don't call me son

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(330): View more from Ohio

A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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(609): View more from New Jersey

When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now

Fav 5 1229 651
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(406): View more from Montana

I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(757): View more from Virginia

YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Wait, that's an option?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.

Fav 5 1643 1062
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup

Fav 3 1889 1129
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(425): View more from Washington

You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.

Fav 0 48 9
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(708): View more from Illinois

These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.

Fav 2 485 254
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(229): View more from Georgia

I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist

Fav 0 759 431
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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress

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(701): View more from North Dakota

he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from

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(512): View more from Texas

hey the jello shots wont freeze

(1-512): View more from Texas

How much Everclear did you put in them?

(512): View more from Texas

uhhh all of it

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(520): View more from Arizona

Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.

Fav 0 431 190
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(303): View more from Colorado

Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.

Fav 3 1278 485
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(315): View more from New York

And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.

Fav 8 948 763
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(301): View more from Maryland

My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

ARE YOU OKAY?

(618): View more from Illinois

Physically? Yes. Morally? No.

Fav 0 108 14
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(301): View more from Maryland

Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.

Fav 2 1387 677
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.

Fav 0 141 78
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(509): View more from Washington

all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?

Fav 8 354 448
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(289): View more from Ontario

Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?

(1-289): View more from Ontario

When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?

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(940): View more from Texas

Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.

Fav 0 45 65
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(801): View more from Utah

Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing

Fav 2 491 338
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(714): View more from California

She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick

(1-714): View more from California

Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!

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(440): View more from Ohio

I would be down to associate sex w taco bell

Fav 2 29 20
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(713): View more from Texas

It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"

Fav 3 97 26
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(731): View more from Tennessee

Only thing exciting about him was his dick.

Fav 1 47 58
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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

Fav 3 1763 629
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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.

Fav 5 1009 563
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(773): View more from Illinois

His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.

Fav 1 226 139
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(281): View more from Texas

I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.

Fav 2 286 200
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(212): View more from New York

When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.

Fav 5 737 1067
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(716): View more from New York

According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.

Fav 0 501 170
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(970): View more from Colorado

I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog

Fav 0 572 328
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.

Fav 13 735 1012
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(970): View more from Colorado

If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.

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(818): View more from California

I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.

Fav 9 1346 579
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(314): View more from Missouri

So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.

Fav 3 565 1031
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(360): View more from Washington

Im part way to drunk.

Fav 0 426 318
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(443): View more from Maryland

If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago

Fav 4 652 596
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(713): View more from Texas

Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"

Fav 2 1144 760
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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.

Fav 2 547 749
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(303): View more from Colorado

he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat

Fav 4 827 570
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(226): View more from Ontario

I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.

(613): View more from Ontario

The fuck? Where?

(226): View more from Ontario

St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.

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(616): View more from Michigan

time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

we need a secret handshake

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(315): View more from New York

It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios

Fav 1 721 466
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(502): View more from Kentucky

My breasts were aching with rage.

Fav 4 726 550
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(619): View more from California

You fucked that MILF against my car!

(415): View more from California

How would you know?

(619): View more from California

She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her

Fav 5 1110 742
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(760): View more from California

I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody

Fav 4 871 564
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.

Fav 3 1186 570
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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

Fav 3 1109 850
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(248): View more from Michigan

All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.

Fav 8 2470 809
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.

Fav 1 66 15
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(971): View more from Oregon

I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?

Fav 0 39 33
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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me

Fav 6 871 717
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me

Fav 4 922 538
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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure

Fav 2 623 863
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(425): View more from Washington

Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.

(816): View more from Missouri

May his noodley appendage touch you.

Fav 2 693 179
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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.

Fav 0 255 109
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(647): View more from Ontario

It's okay, big boobs are better than running.

Fav 3 421 179
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(304): View more from West Virginia

Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.

Fav 2 1006 570
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(240): View more from Maryland

The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.

(301): View more from Maryland

Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.

Fav 3 1366 554
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(831): View more from California

I won't be able to get a boner for a month

(916): View more from California

Challenge accepted.

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(509): View more from Washington

hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

Fav 14 1942 649
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.

Fav 1 93 20
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

Fav 10 2320 1214
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(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

Fav 3 1282 673
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(815): View more from Illinois

Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport

Fav 3 945 502
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(908): View more from New Jersey

When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!

Fav 3 1712 610
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.

Fav 0 81 17
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water

Fav 2 16 52
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Help me help you realize you are a moron

Fav 0 131 70
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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.

Fav 6 771 696
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(417): View more from Missouri

TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT

Fav 1 47 20
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando

Fav 1 54 46
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(847): View more from Illinois

She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.

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(907): View more from Alaska

So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha

Fav 2 651 562
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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.

Fav 0 726 472
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(916): View more from California

I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.

Fav 2 933 498
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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.

(541): View more from Oregon

Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.

Fav 6 911 783
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(908): View more from New Jersey

Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow

Fav 3 1121 546
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(720): View more from Colorado

THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.

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(716): View more from New York

I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...

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(310): View more from California

If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great

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(607): View more from New York

IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.

(1-607): View more from New York

You're such a supportive sister.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.

Fav 3 808 561
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(604): View more from British Columbia

It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops

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(317): View more from Indiana

You need a sexual gate keeper

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(647): View more from Ontario

Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?

(416): View more from Toronto

She didn't have her own?

Fav 1 160 15
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(626): View more from California

Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma

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(720): View more from Colorado

The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake

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(616): View more from Michigan

so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy

(313): View more from Michigan

Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle

Fav 5 1373 641
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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.

Fav 4 738 306
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(518): View more from New York

Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated

Fav 1 553 347
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(+33): View more from France

if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?

Fav 1 561 316
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???

Fav 4 89 138
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(773): View more from Illinois

In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.

Fav 1 176 85
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(415): View more from California

LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.

Fav 10 640 2431
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(909): View more from California

It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me

(626): View more from California

And a merry methadone to all

Fav 2 1379 882
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(416): View more from Toronto

Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void

Fav 6 455 705
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(602): View more from Arizona

Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?

Fav 3 479 732
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(515): View more from Iowa

Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.

Fav 1 740 459
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(218): View more from Minnesota

my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this

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(716): View more from New York

It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!

Fav 1 671 1207
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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.

Fav 4 1073 587
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Beer bonging to Ave Maria

Fav 8 1022 678
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(425): View more from Washington

I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.

Fav 0 226 113
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(651): View more from Minnesota

THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.

Fav 9 1043 626
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(718): View more from New York

We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...

Fav 0 55 10
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(425): View more from Washington

You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐

Fav 1 75 18
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(425): View more from Washington

We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.

Fav 6 128 15
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(856): View more from New Jersey

IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL

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(720): View more from Colorado

After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I didn't notice because vodka

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(713): View more from Texas

Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.

Fav 2 217 145
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(519): View more from Ontario

Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?

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(972): View more from Texas

If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

Fav 0 750 436
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(912): View more from Georgia

I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

How did you come to this point in your life?

(912): View more from Georgia

Good bartenders.

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(775): View more from Nevada

His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup

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(727): View more from Florida

I felt guilty, it was so good!

(1-727): View more from Florida

Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.

Fav 0 1205 562
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(320): View more from Minnesota

I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.

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(718): View more from New York

I feel like I smell like bad decisions

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(917): View more from New York City

Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...

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(845): View more from New York

Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs

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(317): View more from Indiana

He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

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(248): View more from Michigan

In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wish drunk me came with subtitles

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"

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(850): View more from Florida

He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him

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(206): View more from Washington

He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"

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(313): View more from Michigan

Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.

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(906): View more from Michigan

You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son

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(206): View more from Washington

So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know

Fav 4 761 468
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(301): View more from Maryland

I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

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(720): View more from Colorado

His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sex in the moonbounce later?

(801): View more from Utah

This is why I love you.

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(305): View more from Florida

Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!

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(815): View more from Illinois

When did angry sex become our thing?

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(330): View more from Ohio

That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...

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(417): View more from Missouri

People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.

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(207): View more from Maine

We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!

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(419): View more from Ohio

250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.

Fav 1 1144 554
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(816): View more from Missouri

God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

Fav 0 913 556
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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

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(248): View more from Michigan

Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong

Fav 0 86 10
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(317): View more from Indiana

Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.

Fav 0 209 73
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.

Fav 1 157 338
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(775): View more from Nevada

As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand

Fav 2 494 867
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(520): View more from Arizona

We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.

Fav 5 638 1405
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(310): View more from California

We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating

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(315): View more from New York

I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams

Fav 4 72 12
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...

Fav 1 61 12
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(502): View more from Kentucky

Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit

Fav 1 78 9
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(507): View more from Minnesota

It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.

Fav 5 18 55
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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability

Fav 2 68 11
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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

Fav 6 1992 739
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(713): View more from Texas

WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!

Fav 10 820 1086
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(630): View more from Illinois

Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight

Fav 6 1246 629
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(406): View more from Montana

Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

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(425): View more from Washington

Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.

Fav 4 86 13
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(386): View more from Florida

Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes

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(647): View more from Ontario

We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works

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(770): View more from Georgia

I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores

Fav 0 685 562
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(802): View more from Vermont

as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

Fav 6 971 1566
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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.

Fav 2 869 612
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(585): View more from New York

There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?

Fav 1 303 154
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(631): View more from New York

I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream

Fav 0 596 237
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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.

Fav 0 540 382
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(225): View more from Louisiana

Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.

Fav 3 851 616
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(310): View more from California

My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'

Fav 2 1392 632
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(404): View more from Georgia

I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.

Fav 2 1216 512
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended

Fav 0 1114 562
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(636): View more from Missouri

Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.

Fav 14 695 2028
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(352): View more from Florida

You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.

Fav 1 75 17
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(574): View more from Indiana

He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.

Fav 4 833 436
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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.

Fav 0 1279 608
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(352): View more from Florida

To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.

Fav 0 185 77
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(817): View more from Texas

I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.

Fav 14 768 658
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(425): View more from Washington

The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag

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(440): View more from Ohio

you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.

Fav 2 1018 528
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(515): View more from Iowa

Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over

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(714): View more from California

Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.

(206): View more from Washington

Definitely not.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"

Fav 3 137 168
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(318): View more from Louisiana

He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that

Fav 9 239 102
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(303): View more from Colorado

Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?

Fav 2 342 177
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence

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(204): View more from Manitoba

can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale

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(419): View more from Ohio

She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor

Fav 3 243 336
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US

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(216): View more from Ohio

if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.

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(819): View more from Quebec

Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?

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(430): View more from Texas

we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'

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(334): View more from Alabama

I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.

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(206): View more from Washington

you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

(770): View more from Georgia

Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy

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(785): View more from Kansas

These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.

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(714): View more from California

So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place

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(937): View more from Ohio

The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros

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(732): View more from New Jersey

We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.

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(847): View more from Illinois

How was it playing wingman?

(312): View more from Illinois

I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Did you sleep with him again?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

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(415): View more from California

I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well

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(518): View more from New York

Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs

Fav 2 59 27
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.

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(341): View more from California

I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.

(341): View more from California

But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

Did someone catch you and fuck you?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.

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(949): View more from California

this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity

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(863): View more from Florida

Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."

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(727): View more from Florida

all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.

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(765): View more from Indiana

it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.

Fav 1 54 11
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(507): View more from Minnesota

Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.

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(571): View more from Virginia

All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.

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(613): View more from Ontario

that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.

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(208): View more from Idaho

We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.

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(713): View more from Texas

You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever

(281): View more from Texas

I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE

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(509): View more from Washington

How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch

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(716): View more from New York

Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.

Fav 1 167 72
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(904): View more from Florida

I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.

Fav 2 625 340
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(615): View more from Tennessee

"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.

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(813): View more from Florida

Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment

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(631): View more from New York

A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.

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(850): View more from Florida

After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.

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(812): View more from Indiana

UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING

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(479): View more from Arkansas

If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.

Fav 0 85 16
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(478): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food

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(913): View more from Kansas

I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life

Fav 2 83 11
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(216): View more from Ohio

Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many...is TOO many?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy

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(904): View more from Florida

You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.

Fav 3 77 25
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(303): View more from Colorado

well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.

Fav 4 486 239
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(804): View more from Virginia

She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks

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(219): View more from Indiana

They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.

Fav 1 716 558
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(716): View more from New York

tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.

Fav 2 102 11
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(905): View more from Ontario

We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?

Fav 3 88 29
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(813): View more from Florida

Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.

Fav 1 81 11
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(707): View more from California

Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.

Fav 9 19 43
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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend

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(214): View more from Texas

True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like

(972): View more from Texas

Why do you text me weird shit like this?

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(650): View more from California

It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo

Fav 0 68 16
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(905): View more from Ontario

Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now

(514): View more from Quebec

Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore

Fav 0 565 293
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(315): View more from New York

I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex

Fav 1 670 300
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(716): View more from New York

Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.

Fav 2 516 350
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(614): View more from Ohio

I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.

(614): View more from Ohio

That d should have definitely been an s.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid

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(661): View more from California

Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.

Fav 1 547 510
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(201): View more from New Jersey

SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS

(845): View more from New York

Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?

Fav 2 686 490
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(516): View more from New York

Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"

Fav 0 118 24
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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.

Fav 2 272 97
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(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.

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(530): View more from California

I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other

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(713): View more from Texas

Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks

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(770): View more from Georgia

The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me

Fav 3 109 13
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(425): View more from Washington

I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.

Fav 1 106 13
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(613): View more from Ontario

do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?

Fav 3 574 414
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(615): View more from Tennessee

Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.

Fav 2 495 830
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(917): View more from New York City

Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.

Fav 4 532 145
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(623): View more from Arizona

He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.

Fav 1 725 387
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(305): View more from Florida

When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"

(407): View more from Florida

I was feeling the aftermath of his penis

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(804): View more from Virginia

Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.

Fav 5 1089 493
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(775): View more from Nevada

My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.

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(772): View more from Florida

She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?

(845): View more from New York

Hahah good point

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(416): View more from Toronto

i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order

Fav 3 1225 578
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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

Fav 5 1750 767
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(407): View more from Florida

I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough

Fav 2 300 420
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(773): View more from Illinois

I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.

Fav 4 535 303
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(630): View more from Illinois

I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.

Fav 1 838 562
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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?

Fav 4 1734 621
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(587): View more from Alberta

The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...

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(512): View more from Texas

Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!

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(956): View more from Texas

Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.

Fav 2 823 497
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(865): View more from Tennessee

No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater

Fav 6 1189 740
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(501): View more from Arkansas

he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack

Fav 3 133 11
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(551): View more from New Jersey

I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.

Fav 1 91 23
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

Fav 8 2103 728
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom

Fav 0 228 292
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(607): View more from New York

His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.

Fav 2 1169 607
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(469): View more from Texas

He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.

Fav 4 887 496
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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...

Fav 8 819 1274
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(909): View more from California

Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?

Fav 10 2227 1032
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(620): View more from Kansas

Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today

Fav 4 335 92
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(303): View more from Colorado

we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk

Fav 1 337 164
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.

Fav 4 774 425
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass

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(240): View more from Maryland

I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.

Fav 1 568 758
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(616): View more from Michigan

I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.

Fav 8 919 716
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(224): View more from Illinois

Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.

Fav 6 1374 640
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(303): View more from Colorado

There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.

Fav 1 337 183
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(443): View more from Maryland

Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood

(410): View more from Maryland

I probably wouldn't

Fav 2 759 475
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(503): View more from Oregon

It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.

Fav 1 1017 686
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(519): View more from Ontario

It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.

Fav 0 1020 489
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(702): View more from Nevada

This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.

Fav 1 321 169
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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.

Fav 3 617 459
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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

Fav 2 1444 725
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(702): View more from Nevada

You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"

Fav 2 78 10
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(561): View more from Florida

That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old

Fav 6 78 21
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.

Fav 1 100 9
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(706): View more from Georgia

She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."

Fav 1 21 65
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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?

Fav 4 125 12
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(941): View more from Florida

Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.

Fav 1 23 56
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(914): View more from New York

There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper

Fav 4 76 11
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(501): View more from Arkansas

Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?

Fav 7 115 27
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(562): View more from California

I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.

Fav 3 646 572
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.

Fav 2 1025 695
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(504): View more from Louisiana

My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras

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(314): View more from Missouri

He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.

Fav 0 390 187
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(519): View more from Ontario

WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened

Fav 1 1212 492
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(516): View more from New York

I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.

(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.

Fav 5 1258 607
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(753): View more from

if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.

Fav 6 1140 638
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.

Fav 4 678 928
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(618): View more from Illinois

Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?

(1-618): View more from Illinois

Proceed with caution.

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(512): View more from Texas

I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?

Fav 4 1009 623
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(646): View more from New York

Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.

Fav 3 1008 545
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(702): View more from Nevada

Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.

Fav 0 499 839
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(315): View more from New York

Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

Fav 3 1083 654
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(630): View more from Illinois

Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.

Fav 1 106 112
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(703): View more from Virginia

Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live

Fav 1 704 397
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(520): View more from Arizona

So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.

Fav 3 593 677
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(519): View more from Ontario

He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know

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(760): View more from California

I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.

Fav 3 61 13
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu

Fav 2 605 337
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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

11/10 would buy him a McLobster

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(210): View more from Texas

Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.

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(585): View more from New York

I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.

Fav 2 622 783
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(801): View more from Utah

I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.

Fav 2 1109 658
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(815): View more from Illinois

YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum

Fav 8 1420 619
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(386): View more from Florida

She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.

Fav 0 106 18
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(513): View more from Ohio

A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!

Fav 8 563 288
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(630): View more from Illinois

We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles

Fav 0 407 299
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(479): View more from Arkansas

it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am

Fav 0 460 662
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(903): View more from Texas

How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?

Fav 3 777 486
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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream

Fav 1 27 35
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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.

Fav 4 628 988
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.

Fav 2 64 21
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(818): View more from California

I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.

Fav 2 90 13
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(317): View more from Indiana

I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.

Fav 4 245 70
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(817): View more from Texas

i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct

Fav 1 319 183
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now

Fav 1 536 269
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(864): View more from South Carolina

Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship

Fav 0 221 280
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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.

Fav 5 572 446
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(619): View more from California

Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold

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(469): View more from Texas

Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."

Fav 9 754 1255
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(619): View more from California

Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"

Fav 2 1600 742
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(701): View more from North Dakota

New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off

Fav 1 570 884
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(760): View more from California

Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

Fav 8 1559 679
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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks

Fav 1 92 13
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(624): View more from

That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"

Fav 7 556 389
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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.

Fav 3 461 775
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(916): View more from California

I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.

(831): View more from California

Promise??

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(813): View more from Florida

As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.

Fav 3 305 142
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(901): View more from Tennessee

of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them

Fav 3 311 194
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(801): View more from Utah

Why is your solution always to masturbate

(1-801): View more from Utah

Because it usually works

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.

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(254): View more from Texas

If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.

Fav 1 88 15
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?

Fav 3 139 15
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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..

Fav 3 381 120
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(316): View more from Kansas

You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.

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(706): View more from Georgia

To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.

(706): View more from Georgia

Touche.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.

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(240): View more from Maryland

You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.

Fav 3 1097 526
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(618): View more from Illinois

I could tell my life story through kermit memes

Fav 0 53 12
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(815): View more from Illinois

It's rum buckets o'clock

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(601): View more from Mississippi

This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.

Fav 4 1121 509
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(206): View more from Washington

cake and sex. what better combination is there.

Fav 2 186 76
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(210): View more from Texas

I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer

Fav 2 433 587
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.

Fav 1 1193 595
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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"

(516): View more from New York

Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton

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(989): View more from Michigan

Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby

Fav 6 848 586
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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

Fav 6 2246 758
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(503): View more from Oregon

If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too

Fav 5 987 639
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(802): View more from Vermont

I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT

Fav 1 108 119
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(503): View more from Oregon

If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.

Fav 0 221 134
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(512): View more from Texas

The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's

Fav 2 377 273
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.

Fav 6 624 363
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

Fav 5 1494 615
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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.

Fav 2 652 526
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(404): View more from Georgia

Boobs are out for the taking

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(901): View more from Tennessee

ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.

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(801): View more from Utah

She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

My job here is done.

Fav 0 107 13
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(312): View more from Illinois

He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off

Fav 1 252 25
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(845): View more from New York

The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite

Fav 0 186 111
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(847): View more from Illinois

I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.

Fav 2 345 144
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world

Fav 2 599 634
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(678): View more from Georgia

Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.

(404): View more from Georgia

We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.

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(916): View more from California

I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked

Fav 2 67 26
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(983): View more from

We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!

Fav 5 85 18
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(425): View more from Washington

I just wanna be euthanized

(425): View more from Washington

Thas it

Fav 0 21 46
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(217): View more from Illinois

I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning

Fav 2 450 152
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(209): View more from California

apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside

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(806): View more from Texas

You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on

Fav 2 220 397
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(843): View more from South Carolina

If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.

Fav 4 884 420
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

Fav 4 983 597
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(856): View more from New Jersey

Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?

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(224): View more from Illinois

And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.

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(+77): View more from

Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting

Fav 1 611 416
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(770): View more from Georgia

He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.

Fav 1 646 563
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(925): View more from California

After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...

Fav 1 910 528
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(815): View more from Illinois

is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?

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(817): View more from Texas

Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina

Fav 5 629 959
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(949): View more from California

I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid

Fav 1 131 153
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about

Fav 0 394 219
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(206): View more from Washington

I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"

Fav 5 652 488
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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..

Fav 26 671 408
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(850): View more from Florida

I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend

Fav 0 622 338
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(713): View more from Texas

He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.

(713): View more from Texas

They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick

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(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

Fav 4 1303 979
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(505): View more from New Mexico

So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.

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(296): View more from

just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada

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(540): View more from Virginia

He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I think I gave a random lady a dildo

(587): View more from Alberta

Again?!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.

Fav 0 61 11
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(647): View more from Ontario

Stop fucking Sharon's exes.

(416): View more from Toronto

Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.

Fav 2 181 20
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(410): View more from Maryland

For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

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(620): View more from Kansas

You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.

Fav 2 91 17
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(208): View more from Idaho

Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.

Fav 2 59 46
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(847): View more from Illinois

You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.

Fav 1 577 368
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(210): View more from Texas

As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner

Fav 6 510 1368
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(727): View more from Florida

Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow

Fav 4 586 995
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.

Fav 2 1418 599
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.

Fav 4 1820 661
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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.

Fav 4 756 1142
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(254): View more from Texas

I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks

Fav 2 79 18
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(304): View more from West Virginia

You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.

Fav 0 662 531
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(270): View more from Kentucky

What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...

Fav 4 968 619
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(505): View more from New Mexico

Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal

Fav 1 227 134
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(630): View more from Illinois

Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.

Fav 1 26 68
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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??

Fav 5 88 22
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

Fav 6 1889 640
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(940): View more from Texas

She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.

Fav 9 2548 1186
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(442): View more from California

the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck

(847): View more from Illinois

godspeed

Fav 0 94 8
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(256): View more from Alabama

this hospital has no fireball

Fav 4 785 568
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(917): View more from New York City

The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry

Fav 1 51 19
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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18

Fav 2 585 458
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(317): View more from Indiana

When your hungover saltines taste like hope...

Fav 1 556 499
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(602): View more from Arizona

Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend

Fav 1 75 21
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.

Fav 0 426 168
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(937): View more from Ohio

honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman

Fav 0 705 506
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(330): View more from Ohio

Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Of course. Go big or go home.

(330): View more from Ohio

You're my fucking queen.

Fav 1 1239 582
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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack

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(602): View more from Arizona

A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me

(480): View more from Arizona

its gonna be a great night

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card

Fav 1 30 74
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(250): View more from British Columbia

Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered

Fav 1 172 125
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(252): View more from North Carolina

When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful

Fav 0 302 120
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(518): View more from New York

just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.

Fav 0 358 170
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(913): View more from Kansas

He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.

Fav 0 498 186
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(251): View more from Alabama

It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.

Fav 1 629 175
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(631): View more from New York

are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.

(985): View more from Louisiana

its good to be home.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.

Fav 1 89 10
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(702): View more from Nevada

Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!

Fav 3 124 18
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(248): View more from Michigan

Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends

Fav 1 114 25
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(701): View more from North Dakota

I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.

Fav 1 49 35
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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.

Fav 3 125 12
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(925): View more from California

I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.

Fav 3 1010 551
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(727): View more from Florida

She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's like a hurricane

(303): View more from Colorado

a drunk, sexist, hurricane

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I like the wholesome side of you

(571): View more from Virginia

I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

Fav 3 1878 716
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(404): View more from Georgia

All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ

Fav 0 116 12
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(425): View more from Washington

Hello my rib-scented angel!

Fav 0 281 179
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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(914): View more from New York

But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....

Fav 1 509 356
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(256): View more from Alabama

Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.

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(760): View more from California

So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.

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(912): View more from Georgia

But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

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(254): View more from Texas

The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's

Fav 0 37 25
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(913): View more from Kansas

Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?

(913): View more from Kansas

Asking for a friend of course

Fav 0 27 46
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(443): View more from Maryland

Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.

Fav 1 58 11
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(239): View more from Florida

We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Fav 0 82 21
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(214): View more from Texas

I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.

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(905): View more from Ontario

But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.

(1-905): View more from Ontario

Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.

(905): View more from Ontario

But I want to be Keith.

Fav 2 120 18
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(239): View more from Florida

Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?

Fav 1 81 18
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.

Fav 3 127 23
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(425): View more from Washington

Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.

Fav 1 74 10
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(970): View more from Colorado

You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.

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(518): View more from New York

you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.

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(816): View more from Missouri

This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"

(573): View more from Missouri

Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?

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(518): View more from New York

I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"

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(216): View more from Ohio

He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.

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(619): View more from California

You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

(1-619): View more from California

Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

(619): View more from California

...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

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(517): View more from Michigan

Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?

Fav 1 354 225
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(217): View more from Illinois

I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.

Fav 0 365 183
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(248): View more from Michigan

The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.

Fav 3 519 179
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore are you.

(301): View more from Maryland

Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes.

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(206): View more from Washington

If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.

Fav 1 779 451
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(913): View more from Kansas

If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

You mean maximum 5?

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(415): View more from California

how drunk are you?

(469): View more from Texas

Several

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(303): View more from Colorado

final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime

Fav 2 67 19
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(425): View more from Washington

Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.

Fav 2 91 14
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(626): View more from California

I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption

Fav 1 77 15
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(805): View more from California

I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone

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(909): View more from California

ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

(303): View more from Colorado

God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Carver called his mom a milf again

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Was it on purpose this time?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis

Fav 2 927 524
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(404): View more from Georgia

He yearns for your heart.

(678): View more from Georgia

He needs to stop being a pussy about it.

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(620): View more from Kansas

When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams

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(949): View more from California

Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut

(714): View more from California

I think mark twain said that originally

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(817): View more from Texas

Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What happened to my knees?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).

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(626): View more from California

For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.

(818): View more from California

I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting

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(216): View more from Ohio

Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message

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(404): View more from Georgia

Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"

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(+61): View more from Australia

I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob

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(224): View more from Illinois

These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon

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(701): View more from North Dakota

And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.

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(585): View more from New York

I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"

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(+61): View more from Australia

Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on

Fav 9 630 130
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(716): View more from New York

Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.

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(607): View more from New York

YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus

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(567): View more from Ohio

Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.

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(818): View more from California

Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business

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(773): View more from Illinois

Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.

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(360): View more from Washington

Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.

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(760): View more from California

He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄

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(503): View more from Oregon

He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.

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(416): View more from Toronto

well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself

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(614): View more from Ohio

You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"

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(912): View more from Georgia

He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you have pictures of my pancakes

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to show the world

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife

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(239): View more from Florida

If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now

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(941): View more from Florida

That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.

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(310): View more from California

Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale

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(205): View more from Alabama

I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will

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(810): View more from Michigan

Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just want nice things and good sex

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hows the party lookin?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party

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(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(469): View more from Texas

I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope none of us try to run for public office one day

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?

(203): View more from Connecticut

NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?

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(469): View more from Texas

Bring me that man meat

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(985): View more from Louisiana

She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"

Fav 5 594 390
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(562): View more from California

It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming

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(647): View more from Ontario

Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'

(701): View more from North Dakota

That's true love, there.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...

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(325): View more from Texas

But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): View more from Texas

Vodka.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???

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(253): View more from Washington

Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I fill condoms, not promises.

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(917): View more from New York City

I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements

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(214): View more from Texas

How does one acquire holy water?

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(831): View more from California

Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Lord god protect this child

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"

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(224): View more from Illinois

I haven't been sober in 4 days.

(1-224): View more from Illinois

Then be sober

(224): View more from Illinois

No.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(914): View more from New York

Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW

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(251): View more from Alabama

Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.

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(315): View more from New York

The second I see you we're shot gunning beers

(1-315): View more from New York

It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning

(315): View more from New York

And your point is?

(1-315): View more from New York

Marry me

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.

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(813): View more from Florida

How many fucks given?

(770): View more from Georgia

0.12846

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy

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(313): View more from Michigan

She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......

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(627): View more from California

Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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(813): View more from Florida

You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.

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(512): View more from Texas

So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.

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(716): View more from New York

Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.

(269): View more from Michigan

That should be the title of my autobiography.

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(317): View more from Indiana

And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is

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(252): View more from North Carolina

We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha

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(847): View more from Illinois

Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.

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(614): View more from Ohio

we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.

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(360): View more from Washington

Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.

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(941): View more from Florida

Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.

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(801): View more from Utah

Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.

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(251): View more from Alabama

my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.

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(913): View more from Kansas

That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk

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(734): View more from Michigan

Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that

(517): View more from Michigan

Speaking

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(224): View more from Illinois

DICK-CITY HERE WE COME

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.

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(518): View more from New York

he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!

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(702): View more from Nevada

God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees

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(713): View more from Texas

It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Damn victory sex feels great

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(310): View more from California

I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.

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(813): View more from Florida

Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule

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(734): View more from Michigan

Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES

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(209): View more from California

I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....

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(352): View more from Florida

He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol

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(361): View more from Texas

I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.

(248): View more from Michigan

I was...perplexed.

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(585): View more from New York

He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me

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(510): View more from California

Do they make liter beers?

(727): View more from Florida

They make 40s

(510): View more from California

Do they make 2 liter beers

(727): View more from Florida

They make 2 40s

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(845): View more from New York

then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy

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(641): View more from Iowa

You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..

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(510): View more from California

I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.

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(786): View more from Florida

Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes

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(312): View more from Illinois

I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today

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(586): View more from Michigan

I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy

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(804): View more from Virginia

He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.

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(613): View more from Ontario

How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I would fuck him just for his dog

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(925): View more from California

Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.

(1-925): View more from California

How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..

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(740): View more from Ohio

How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature

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(251): View more from Alabama

"Accidentally" bump into him after class.

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus

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(430): View more from Texas

If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?

(224): View more from Illinois

50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell

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(510): View more from California

LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of

(415): View more from California

Yes dear.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.

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(207): View more from Maine

My farts smell like burning tires and false courage

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(512): View more from Texas

It's not a walk of shame if you run

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(201): View more from New Jersey

...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"

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(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me

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(914): View more from New York

it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice

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(209): View more from California

He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.

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(716): View more from New York

We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial

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(928): View more from Arizona

Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

These tits shall not be calmed

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(408): View more from California

Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.

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(516): View more from New York

He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.

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(940): View more from Texas

I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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(310): View more from California

The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear

(310): View more from California

We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.

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(310): View more from California

Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit

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(586): View more from Michigan

You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?

Fav 1 97 11
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(937): View more from Ohio

It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity

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(941): View more from Florida

I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit

Fav 5 119 10
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(765): View more from Indiana

He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.

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(641): View more from Iowa

he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts

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(480): View more from Arizona

NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.

Fav 1 17 60
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(618): View more from Illinois

It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life

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(512): View more from Texas

I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.

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(850): View more from Florida

He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin

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(584): View more from

STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!

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(435): View more from Utah

It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.

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(909): View more from California

we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.

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