did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
True strength comes from lack of pants
My Sexting was not on an AP level
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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