I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
