I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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