He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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