I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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