I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
