peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
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