I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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