Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
