"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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