"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
