Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
