How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
sex in a hospital.. check
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
